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The People's Submissions

Thanks to those who posted

Story Index

Watch Where you aim Folks!
X-Rated Stupidity
An Inside job
When in a Mess, Just Bless
Get a Room, Just not This one
All Fired up
Keep Your Priorities Straight
When you can't Control Your Temper...
Exam Anxiety
Chaotic Neutral Chaos
To Kill a Shopkeeper
Crossing the Line
Magical Explosions
Pick Your Poison
How not to Pass Away the Time
Really Angry Father
Rolling, Rolling, Rolling
Just Really bad Luck.
Imagine This Happening in a war...
The Quick way Down.
Pass the Magic Mushroom.
Blind Fighter.
High Priest kicking some ass!
Joe knows too much
Beware the trees.
Bards. Can never keep their mouths shut.
Announced Unannounced Visit
Electric Smoke on the Water
The Evil Symbol is Evil
Pay no Attention to the Obnoxious Drow
A Couple of Quickies
It's a Really Neat Trick I Tell You!
Yeah he's a Pyro!
They're Undead, Silly!
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
The Gods Hate Undead
Jon wasn't all Good
Did you know?
Dusty Trails
The Shortcut of Pain
Freak me out Twice, Shame on you
A Tale of Ale
The Trouble With Magic
About Time we had a bar Brawl.
Touching Crown to Scepter
Assassination, a how not to Guide
The DM was a Dummy.
40 Minutes Wasted
Why you Should pay Attention in Physics Class
Does Anything Ever go According to Plan?
Swiss Cheese Minus the Sandwich
A Tale of Crowbar Obsession
Chaotic Evil Chaos
Loads of fun With Magic
60 Skeletons and a Thief
Testing, Testing, 1,2,4D6 poison.
Piss on Dragons!
King who?
Yet Another Story Involving Fire and Combustibles
Glasken, the new Eric Dieter?
The Pun Never Stops
Everything but the Fad Item
Being Smart has Tasty Rewards!
Beware of Scum
Beware of Rocs
A Solution to the Stupidity Problem
Never Interrupt Someone's 'Alone Time'
Crocodile Rock
The Hidden power of Love
This is Not The President You Are Looking For
That's V-A-M-P-I-R-E
Testing the new Abilities
A Really Short Tale
Celestial Cursing
Critical Misses are Funny
Don't Piss off Demi-Gods
Impatient Paladin, Powerful Druid
Can I Choose not to Crit?
Opening the Bag of Evil
Wise Men vs. Not so Wise Thief
The Ultimate Burglar Distraction
Perseverance Will Lead to Becoming a Badger?
2 Allies in the Dark, One Swings a Staff.
No Really, You're Going to be Killed
Can you Tell That This Guy is a Farker?
Crap, That Isn't Carp!
That's Not Living off the Land
The DM Must REALLY Want These 2 Dead
Shooting Tiger
Elf? What Elf?
What's so bad About Koala?
There's Something Odd About This 20-Sided Die
He Really is There to Hurt You
Will You People Stop Using Harpoons/Spears
Watch Where you aim Those Things Pal!
Kriss-Kross has Made us Scarred for Life
Insert Group Name Here. Well, not Here, Below.
A Hero's Magnetism
Never Offer the DM any Suggestions
Fallout
Animated Ogre
It's Just a Spider
Cruelty to Orcs
How two Friends got started on AD&D
Party of the PO Dwarf
It All Works Except for One Minor Detail
Covering for a Stoner
AD&D + Paintball gun = Payback
Wussieslap!
Don't Mess With the Bard
The Biggest X-Rated Story Yet
Now Performing, the Rolling Stones!
Attack on the DM
Weretiger Guts and Stuff
Quickies, Part Deux


Watch where you aim Folks!

Dwarven MU: Thanks to mark

Our party was walking through a narrow corridor when we engaged a large Kobold Party. Before anyone had a chance to get their weapons in play, the MU at the rear of the party fired off a fireball from a wand that he'd picked up earlier. Two things were wrong with this. First, he had no clue how powerful the fireball was, and second, he was a dwarf and fired a nuclear blast at the level of our hips. Wiped most of us out. Got the Kobolds, though.

"Hope he didn't get experience for that"

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X-Rated Stupidity

Human something-or-other: Thanks to David K.

Get this okay. I was having my birthday party. There was a kid who was just learning to play, okay. He got to this bush, and I told him there were thorns in it. He said his Human should climb over it. I asked him how and he said, he should take off all his clothes, stack them up, balance them on his sword, and jump.

"A perfect set of clothes were needlessly ruined because of this spectacle!"

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An Inside Job

Dwarven Fighter: Thanks to Cobracao

The young dwarf peered into the mouth of the entrance. It was huge, sitting on the side of a mountain. The dwarf, whos name I do not remember, was intent on becoming a hero in no time. So here he found himself wondering into the lair of a dragon who had been rampaging the country side. As the story unfolded and he defeated some powerful foes, one of his treasures was that of a vial of miniaturization. He was VERY upset about this and thought he deserved better. Well he goes on, into the unknown. And low and behold he found his dragon. The sleeping dragon was far bigger than he imagined. He tried creeping up on the dragon to catch it by surprise. But it awoke and the battle ensued. Well the poor dwarf was definitely over-matched. So what does he do. He drinks his vial, loads himself onto a crossbow on the ground and fires himself at the dragon. With a SERIOUS amount of luck, and the gods favor, he landed in the dragons mouth as it roared its contempt. From inside the dragon he throws down the throat a couple of potions of explosions and dives back out. Well you can just imagine the mess this created. But the new dwarf survived to fight again another day. And he learned, that no matter how inconsequantial a treasure item might be, its how you use it to win the adventure.

"You know, I couldn't agree more."

Aside: What he did here was clever and he was very lucky it worked. I hope he got experience for that idea. An alternate solution would be to arm the crossbow with the potion and fire it at the dragon's open mouth, then kill the smaller dragon before the potion wears out. Either way was risky but in this situation, there wasn't much of an alternative. Happy gaming folks.

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When in a Mess, Just Bless!

Cleric: Thanks to Roberto Gonzalez

Well, it happened to a friend. He was a cleric, and he and his party were fighting a vampire in a swamp. The vampire was giving them a good beating, and then, he got an idea: he blessed the water. Doing so, the vampire suddenly died. That's what I call a holy clever move!

"Holy Blessings Batman! That's Brilliant!"

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Get a Room, Just not This one!

Two people: Thanks to Wild Dog

This was in a world created by our DM. (everyone will remain annonimus execpt myself) We were in Tronoses' (an evil fighter/mage, half orc half goblin) castle, in a room blessed by our leader's God to keep us safe while we slept for the first time in 4 days. Lungerdons, (large spike covered cetepeids) could still get in so we had six people sleep while two watched the door. The two watching the door started to do "it" and a Lungerdon came in behind them and jammed a six foot spike through them. Luckily the noise woke me and I barely killed it. We ended up beating Tronoses without our horny little friends. :)

"What did they do? Fail the saving throw versus horniness!?"

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All Fired up

Party: Thanks to Seltanis Silvermoon

Once we were trapped in a building under ground with lots of levers. We decided that we should pull all levers except one. We had 2 left to pull and yes we pulled the wrong one and the trap was that from a secret door in the ceiling pops up a beholder. Since we had a brave Drow elf who knew what to do he placed a darkness globe over its eyes. It worked except for the big eye in the middle. It started stabbing up one of our characters. A Paladin got scared and broke a wand made of pure gold with a gem at the end. He didn't know what was in it. You can be sure it was a Wand of Flame Strike which had exactly 37 Charges ... Anyways the drow saw him at the start of the round and teleported out of there with a magic ring he had .... the rest of us well let's just say we couldn't handle 37 of them (fireballs). I died on number 7 .....

"Now that's dexterity! The main thing is you survived the longest."

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Keep Your Priorities Straight

Class not important: Thanks to Orwinn

I got one for you....

Eric Darkwolf: Killed while trying to loot the bodies of his allies during the battle of the defile\hobbit hill.

"Can't take it with you, so you might as well FINISH the battle before looting"

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When you can't Control Your Temper...

Minotaur fighter - gladiator: Thanks to Tauros Minos

I was a minotaur who found a Decanter of Endless Water and used it to flood a maze which was holding me captive and escape through a light in the roof. Although I escaped, a lot of people thought the mountain I was trapped in was gonna erupt so they all fled to a nearby city. I escaped and followed them into the city having a fear of humans for trapping me and making me kill for their pleasure. I met a few demi-human friends and when I got into the city where all the humans were, I got so scared that I pulled out my 2-handed axe and started killing people left and right. When they finally managed to beat me and put me on trial, my defender's comment was "But your honor, he's just a dumb animal.", and I killed him... Of course proving my guilt and they killed me at once.

"Innocent until you kill your defender."

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Exam Anxiety

Human Blademaster: Thanks to Ivanovich Dragonov

This story is about a Samurai, whose name I shall not reveal, who was entered into a competition with a series of challenges for different classes. The first challenge was to take a potion of growth, a ring of reptillian control, and a ring of protection from fire and pass a floor of hot coals. Then enter a doorway 2 feet wide and 4 feet high. We were supposed to summon a lizard and give it the potion and ride it across, and finish by squeezing through the hole. Everyone agreed to give the Samurai the potion and make him walk across the hot coals with the protection ring. 3 out of 4 made it out, but... can a 25 foot samurai fit through a 2 by 4 door?
Next he had to go into a giant worm and fetch the fighter's medallion from inside its gastric region. With the medallion he found a potion of protection from acid, and in a gastric cavity the corrosives were becomming deadly. If he drank the potion he would have made it but instead he chose to save it in case of some sort of acid spitting enemy. He was saved by a mage of the competition and revived, but failed his section miserably.

His final act of ignorance came after the competition where he was trying to make enough money to go home and find a master. His armor making skills were impressive but he had no forge... so he asked a local forge if they were hiring. Thinking that they'd pay him well enough for a simple boat ride in 1 day, he made a single bullet of such magnificent quality the shop owner offered him a job permanently and he quit to catch a leaving boat with his 6 gold coin pay and his 20 gold coin placement winnings in the competition. He jumped on the boat as it was leaving and when the captain asked him for pay he emptied his wallet, with 26 gold the captain offered to take his katana as payment since it was of such quality. The samurai didn't notice it being a pirate ship either. We never heard from him again.

"I take it he failed the test to be a pirate too."

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Chaotic Neutral Chaos

Human Ruffian: Thanks to Anti-Munchkin

Angkor Helion was the street kid that ran into the party and just went around with them. Unfortunately, since he at first decided not to tell them his name, he became known as Sally. This was a chaotic-neutral character and on his sheet I put the "mood swing chart". About the first time I rolled on it, I rolled a "homicidal". This is how it went:
DM: You see a man sitting in the alley. He has a hook for a hand.
Me: I attack him with my sword.
DM: Roll initiative.
Me: (roll roll) Two. I go first. (roll roll) Damn, missed him.
DM: He attacks with the hook. (roll roll) Um, twenty. Critical hit, double damage. How many hit points do you have?
Me: Uhhhhhh......
The first character to find the body was the thief that had already tried once to kill him. I wasn't resurrected.

"Will they call him Sally at his funeral?

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To Kill a Shopkeeper

Dwarven Warrior (or medic): Thanks to Rock the Dwarf

There's this Dwarf and this Human monk doing this shopping for a gnomish tinkerer. They walk into a blacksmith shop asking for a couple of items. The blacksmith laughs at their list of items and was being a dickhead. The Monk (being non-violent by nature) walked out because he didn't want to start a fight... The dwarf on the other hand just stood there and stared at the guy, for some reason unknown to even me, a DM. Now keep in mind the dwarf IS in fact chaotic good. The blacksmith makes fun of the dwarf's beard... this upsets our PC friend. He decides to punch the man. Well... his punch was critical and snaps the guy's neck. The dwarf decides to re-align the poor man's broken neck, so he goes to snap it "BACK" in place. Someone walks in while this is happening. The person sees this dwarf snapping this guy's neck and calls for the guards. The dwarf runs out pushing the guy out of his way. The little dwarf runs up to his buddy and tells him to hide. The monk ignores him knowing he isn't the brightest crayon in the box. The dwarf runs down an alleyway and the monk yells "thieves!" to him because there was a group of thieves he saw in that alleyway earlier in the day. Well, the dwarf got jumped in the alleyway by the thugs. Worse came to worse and the (not so bright dwarf) got both the monk and himself in jail by some unsmart words.

"What did the monk do to deserve being in jail?"

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Crossing the Line

Thanks to Ivanovich Dragonov

My very first character was a fighter/priest named Ventryk who was a servant of the god of vengeance. He was chasing an orc assassin out of a city so he could legally kill him and once he got outside the city gates, he got surrounded by a group of orcs, goblins, gnolls, a werewolf, and 2 hill giants...
it only would have been funnier to me if after that I slipped on a banana peel and died but...

"Orcs, goblins, gnolls, werewolves, and hill giants are not known to eat bananas"

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Magical Explosions

Thanks to Helpful Elf

One of my first PCs was a 1st edition Bard (4th Bard). He acquired a magical 2-handed sword. Having a restriction to that type of weapon, he decided to try to snap the blade off to make it a bastard sword.

After several passed Bend Bars checks, he managed to break off the blade... The resulting explosion blew off his right arm (now called Stumpy the Bard). This resulted in a very bad wound, and a permanent -2 To Hit (off balance due to the missing limb). this -2 To hit later caused his death when going against the owner of the 2-handed sword, a very powerful Lich.

"Maybe he should have followed Def Leppard's drummer instead."

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Pick Your Poison

Thanks to Wild Dog

My uncle told me this one, my uncle's character name was Atom Edge, he was a fighter/mage. Anyway, while searching a tavern wall, they found a secret passage and went down. They saw the wererat they were chasing and ran after it. It vanished around a corner, and when they rounded the corner they saw a pile of gold and magical items!!! Their thief, Shotglass, detected several traps and couldn't disarm them. Atom Edge decided to do an acrobatic act past the traps (moron). Needless to say it didn't work. He was crushed by boulders, burned with a brimstone spell, electrocuted, hit with 9 poison arrows, and to top it all off, a wall opened and a red dragon came out and attacked them!!! That's what he deserves for being so greedy.

"Now there's a DM with imagination! Atom Edge deserved it all."

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How not to Pass Away the Time

Fighter: Thanks to Robillard

This happened to one of my slower witted associates. Through a strange series of events this fighter had become trapped in a jar. Naturally there's not many things to do to pass the time in a glass container so he decided to go through his inventory. He had found a sword earlier and was wondering if it was magical, so he tested it........ on himself. It was just a little cut, but it was a VERY good sword. He was quickly drained of all blood, and now some one is in possession of an undead skeleton in a jar.

"I wonder what that would go for on E-bay."

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Really Angry Father

Doppleganger thief: Thanks to Ivanovich Dragonov

As a DM for a few campaigns, I can say, without any fear of being wrong, that ANY time a DM puts a pile of money and/or magical items withough a HUGE, and I really mean HUGE war that the characters had to struggle through before obtaining... IT'S A TRAP!!! It's always a trap! Greed is such a killer of the dumb... Here's a dumb death that happened to me :)
I had a doppelganger thief who broke into a little boy's room, killed the child in his sleep, and hid the body under the bed. When I heard his parents coming to check on him, I hid in the closet. Unfortunately, his father found the body as I finished shifting to the boy's form and well... a dead son and a live son... he figured the rest out and I was overpowered by a guy my DM assumed as GOD (He had over 50 hp, and I had 10... plus he happened to be carrying his weapons & armor to check on a sleeping child... we all know how dangerous kindergardeners can be!). I got whacked by the most powerful farmer in existence.

"At least you didn't try to date his daughter."

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Rolling Rolling Rolling

Human fighter: Thanks to Lania Windsong

Well, My first character I played was a human fighter.

(Shelvie was the DM)

I think he was trying to teach me.....about the game.....

Our party was inside this maze like place and we started walking up hill. when all of a sudden this huge ball started rolling down the hill and unfortunately, it hit me, but it didn't kill me though. Well, it was a trap but we just kept on going up the hill again after the ball passed us. And guess what happened? Yep you guessed it, here it comes again. We did this 3 times before it killed us.....Later we found out that there was a little lever at the beginning of the hill that you could press to keep the ball from coming. We thought that the lever was a trap so we didn't pull it. If we had we probably would have made it. Then again with Shelvie as the DM probably not......he took great joy in watching us die! That was a few years ago. We were all kind of new to the game.... :o)

"Gotta learn about death sometime :-)"

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Just Really bad Luck

Elven Ranger: Thanks to Ty-Jin

Once, I was trying to liberate a stronghold, and the elven ranger of 5th level I was using decided to make an attack against the archers on the wall, just a quick strike, hoping that they would flee from the gryphon. I thought this because they were superstitious. They were also frightened and confused, having just had a hole put in the line of archers (caused by a fireball, superstitious and frightened by magic).

Well, it worked to some extent, and he started to fly away, but an arrow pierced his gryphon's head (archer rolled a critical hit), killing it. My elf (I loved this character, sadly) fell about 15-20 feet, took damage, and was hacked apart by swordsmen. He held on a long time though, and killed 4 soldiers! They all fled, and the ranger was pleased, thinking he scared them off.

Sadly, it was not so. They had unleashed a troll onto the wall, and they didn't want to stick around and watch. He fought it, but the troll killed him. It even rolled a critical hit for its final blow, and sent his head rolling. He was resurrected after the battle, which we won. Poor poor elfy :)

"Hmm, a resurrected headless elf..."

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Imagine This Happening in a war...

Gnome: Thanks to Rand D.

The Gnomish crossbowmen were covering us with crossbow fire, so I decided to (having seen the dead gnomish bodies) see what they had. All of the sudden the gnomes screamed "A Traitor in our midst" or something like that. Got pegged with 10 bolts causing 32 damage to my full health of 18.

"Glad this never happens in real warfare."

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The Quick way Down

Thief: Thanks to Kargoth Headeater

Well, I have one really stupid for you

*note, that this was one of my first games*

I was playing a thief, a young one, who had just lost his parents, had no money and no home. He got hired as a fisherman on a boat, but on the condition that he had his own fishing rod. But the poor boy had no money so he said: "Hey, it's easy, I only need a rope and a stick. He found the stick, but couldn't find the rope (don't ask why, the DM didn't want him to) That's when I saw a begger in the corner. The ingenious thief decided to take the beggar's clothes and unknit them to make a lone rope. But the beggar woke up and knocked my thief unconscious....
But it wasn't the end. I was locked up on the 10th floor of a prison tower, with an ultra-dumb guy. I managed to open the window, but I couldn't get down, because we were at the 10th floor. So I said to the dumb guy: "Hey, why don't you go down and go find a rope or something to help me get down." He jumped and splashed on the ground. I was a little desperate, so I tried to jump on the body of the guy, hoping that it would take the impact and that I would survive. But the guy had survived the fall!!! He rolled to the side, and I crashed on the ground.

Well, I guess the DM wanted me dead

"Climb Walls. Don't let the name fool you, you can go down too."

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Pass the Magic Mushroom

Thanks toAnti-Munchkin

My real life camapaign is filled with munchkins, so death and resurrection is a common occurance there. Anyway, my character, Terroniat - coincidentally my Thardferr character's adopted sister - came late into the campaign but died a few times anyway. One session, she had just found a magical quarterstaff, and the group ran across some "magic mushrooms" - product of a demented DM. These mushrooms were causing the characters that ate them to have sudden freak mutations. Terra took a stand against them, and being somewhat jealous of the high-level wizard that was hitting them pretty hard, I declared to the DM, "If Crag eats another one, I hit him with my quarterstaff."

Ever hit a level-3 character with a meteor swarm? Eew, that was messy.

"More proof to stay off of magic mushrooms."

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Blind Fighter

Thanks to Kitsune

We were running an Arabian campaign, and the 4 PCs decided on some relaxation after some strenuous adventuring. So they were en route to this city, which I had previously determined to be the site for the next adventure... To make a long story short, the PCs found themselves in combat with some evil sphinxes. After slaying the first one to attack them, three of the PCs ran, but the fighter stayed to cut off the sphinx's head so he could make it into a hat later on, totally ignoring the remaining sphinx. Well... needless to say the sphinx pecked him to death and he didn't get his hat.

"In the world of AD&D, it doesn't pay to be a slave to fashion."

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High Priest kicking some ass

Thanks to Tyler

I was DMing with a paladin npc, and 2 other pc paladins and 1 priest. They all went to get supplies before seeing what their next mission would be. When they got to the high priest, he asked them to make a donation to their god (of justice). They decided to kill him (don't ask why) and were brutally slaughtered. He is not the high priest for nothing.

"Paladins are lawful good. That's the price you pay for playing out of alignment."

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Joe knows too much.

Thanks to Tyler the DM

When I was in the learning process of DMing, my friend Joe (well learned in the rules) was a minotaur fighter, with some other people, and they went into a bar and started killing people and basically, he got away with anything he wanted to. So...they destroyed the bar, and got away scot free. When I tried to make something happen he said some bs rule about how it couldn't happen...I like to think anyways that I'm a better DM than that now...

"Good DMs don't let their players push them around."

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Beware the trees.

Human Fighter, thanks to Kathric Chaos

We were under attack by many orcs and some were in a caravan thingy. I shot a flaming arrow at it, but it hit my mom's character. After that, our druid was captured by a tree, and our wizard almost eaten by a bush. We were then attacked by harpies and ghouls, barely getting out with our lives. The first part is my real story.

"I could use some of those plants in my yard."

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Bards. Can never keep their mouths shut.

Thanks to pissed off mage Kragg

Our group consisting of an elven fighter with 18/00 strength, an idiot bard, a rather dull druid, and myself, a very powerful mage due to his burning and destruction of his god's opposing temples. Anyway a group of firbolg giants attacked our group. I went in under invisibility to their main room to find 6 giants plus the one outside mocking the fighter. The giants had detect invisibility or something because they saw me at which point they knocked me out and took my stuff. The fighter then charged in and saved my butt, the fighter and I then went through the cave system (still without my stuff) and killed the giants one by one. The DM and I both forgot that I couldn't cast lighting bolt because of lack of components. Well I had been using this spell to kill all the giants except 2, one that we pushed down a cliff, and the other who happened to be the mother we hadn't found yet. Well, when we found her finally, she knocked out the fighter with a huge frying pan. So I get ready to shoot a lightning bolt at her. When our genius bard who was waiting outside decides to bring up that I can't cast that spell. The DM then ressurected the 5 giants we had killed, all of them except the one we pushed down the cliff. All of them were in the room with us. I get knocked out. The fighter and I both get strung up by our feet in the cave at which point the mother beats the fighter with a frying pan dealing him 182 damage to the head (he died). Then all 6 giants pummel me till I resemble a slime or jelly. Well, we get pissed off at the bard for obvious reasons and threaten the bard's life. We get resurrected, at which point the bard casts burning hands on his head so that he would not have to deal with us.

"Smart move firing himself. Those firbolg frying pans are huge."

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Announced Unannounced Visit

Thanks to Ray Smith

PC Class: Fighter Race: Dwarf
The PC party was exploring a frost giant's home room by room without any care for the noise they made. After walking through tunnels of ice, they finally found a stone house that held the frost giant and his family. The entire party approached the front door and then began to argue about the exact method of entering the building. Shouts, banging fists, and threats of spellcasting were heard for ten minutes as I sat quietly waiting for the party to make up their mind. Finally, the dwarven fighter lost his patience and simply bellowed a war cry and broke down the wooden door with his gauntlet of strength. Needless to say, the frost giant and his family had AMPLE time to prepare for these intruders. As the dwarf burst through the door, the giant immediately cleaved through the dwarf's skull with his axe as he stood to the side of the door while the rest of his family shot ballista sized bolts from their crossbows through the open doorway. Seconds later, the party forgot their pledge to "never leave a man behind" and ran away with their tails between their legs.

"I suppose they did the same thing to the Jehovah's Witnesses at their door?

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Electric Smoke on the Water

Thanks to: Array

Human Necromancer
I was DMing a campaign world of my own creation, and one PC was a necromancer (whose name I will not say to protect the embarassed). Well this fellow had cut a deal with the major villain of the campaign to spy on and betray the party at the right time. In return he had received a javelin of lightning with limitless charges, but it would only go off on a roll of 1 on a 1d4. Well, to say the least he was pleased and took the time to throw this thing at everything he could. But his brightest moment was when the party was in a deep cave fighting something or other, I really don't remember, but I had told the entire party that they were standing in water up to their ankles. Mr Smart necromancer decides that the water would help to make the lightning better and throws the javelin, misses the creature, hits into the water behind it, and of course it goes off. It killed the creature, and almost took out the entire party too. Only 3 of the 6 PCs survived that one. Unfortunatly so did the necromancer, who later went on to fight a shambling mound, that fight was a shocking experence also.

"Frank Zappa would rather have had that happen to his floating concert I'm sure."

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The Evil Symbol is Evil

Thanks to: Someone who left all the default settings on, probably for good reason.

The stupid warrior of our group (forgot his name, let's call him Roomforhire) steps forward towards the evil symbol hanging in the air. When he touches it he immediately falls to the ground as he takes some 20-30hp damage. We use the -10hp rule, so he's only unconscious and we get him back up to 1hp with a healing spell. Angry at that blasted symbol, Mr Roomforhire hits it as hard as he can with his fist... and yes, this time the damage got him under -10hp.

"What part of EVIL do people not understand, the E, or the VIL?"

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Pay no Attention to the Obnoxious Drow

Thanks to: drue lechien

Well, we were in a city called Dakos, where our group had an adversary. Of course, we were trying to avoid any notice from him. Well, seeing as we are in the city we go to the mage's guild where we need to obtain info for our quest. We go there and try to speak to someone and they refuse us and try to turn us away. Most of us comply and begin to leave. Well our notable drow companion gets a wild hair up his you-know-what. So he knocks on the door and we all turn to watch knowing that he is going to get sent away. The mage at the door opens a small sliding panel and asks him what he wants. He replies that he needs info from the guild for his quest. The mage slams the panel shut. The drow frowns and looks at us. During our travels he obtained a mask that creates illusions so he can disguise himself. Our esteemed fighter (Webguy here, I'm guessing this fighter was not the drow) rams the door open and walks in. We are all amazed. Gazing in we all see him walking deeper into the interior of the guild. As he arrives into a four way corridor a robed man apppears and asks him to leave. Of course, he refuses. The mage disappears and our fighter continues in. Well four steps in he turns to stone. We all just about crap our pants. The door slams shut in our faces. The drow knocks on the door again and a mage answers. The same thing happens as before. Now our companions are in there. So we all join in and berate the mage. He said that the local magistrate will hold trial on him in the next day or so. We are mostly knights in the group, so we comply, but the damned elf(drow) starts pounding on the door and the mage tells him to leave or we will all be thrown in jail. He persists by dropping his elven disguise and reveals that he is a drow and taunts the mage. Wizards start appearing all over the place. From there we all get taken in and our enemy now has ahold of us and he starts torturing us for info and a few of us die. That is about it.

"He was probably disguised as a mormon recruiter."

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A Couple of Quickies

Thanks to: Michael

A low-level 1st Edition cavalier enters a small hobgoblin hideout and, after a hard battle and having his party member knocked out, defeats the hobgoblins and gets their treasure. However, curiosity gets the better of him and he decides to venture alone "just a few rooms more" beyond the hobgoblins' area of control. At the first door he opens, a green slime falls right on him... Game over, party over.

"There's a famous last word. SPLAT!"

A psionically endowed character (with teleportation ability) is flying on his magic carpet late at night when he is ambushed by evil NPCs. They are able to fly faster than the PC so he decides to try to teleport to the ground. Since he is in darkness, he has to guess where the ground is. He guesses about 20 feet too low...

"Teleport to your grave and save!"

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It's a Really Neat Trick I Tell You!

Thanks to: Wyrm Dirt

My bud Dave was playing a psionicist and thought he would show off and asked a character to throw at spear at him. He had some nifty power that would reduce the damage by 2d6. So the guy throws the spear and rolls a critical, we check the charts and instant death, so now the party has a dead psionicist nailed to a wall with a spear through his left eye. The halfling in the party started clapping and said, "That's great, do you do any other tricks?"

"Like my Mommy said, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye."

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Yeah he's a Pyro!

Thanks to: SilverFox

Human Mage
I have set up an elaborate world for my PCs to interact with, and at points the stupidity of some characters can reach such grand scales as to alter my world.
Scene: PCs are part of a scouting army of 300. They come upon two armies battling with each other in the plains. One army is living, the other is undead. This is in the plains, in the summer time, in waist high grass that is dead (i.e. VERY flammable). Their army advances on the undead army and engages. One PC, a guild mage of Ter, decides that flaming sphere would take the enemies out nicely. After rolling twenties for the save for the grass (wet with blood?), he then cast the spell again. The resulting fire wiped out all the armies, and the PCs lived through ingenuity and extreme luck. The PC who he worked for broke his wrists and sent him home to be further tortured. Out of an army of 300, only twenty-five of the army survived.

"Burn Baby Burn! Disco inferno! Burn Baby Burn!"

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They're Undead, Silly!

Thanks to: SilverFox

The same person mentioned earlier played another ill-fated character. This was also a mage, and preceded the mage that changed my world's intended history. When the party (eight people) was attacked by spectres, he responded by casting Hypnotic Pattern. Undead do not see, they sense, and they certainly are not subject to hypnotism. Five of the eight party members failed their saves. The party barely survived, and the mage was promptly fired. He ran for his life before the party changed its mind.

"Maybe he should try bending a spoon."

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Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

Thanks to: SilverFox

The same party mentioned earlier decided that they would rest in the abandoned dwarven palace after the disastrous fight. They sent in a paroled thief, and the Aslanian ambassador, a bard, to scout the area. These two promptly looted what they could and ran amok through the palace. The bard found an altar in the palace, and decided it must belong to the evil usurpers who drove the dwarves out (finely sculpted stone that is one with the floor and has a symbol of a shield on it...RIGHT). He defecated on it, urinated on it, and spit on it. The altar was mysteriously clean after each occurrence. This angered him, and he went off in a tizzy. The party later freed some dwarves that had been trapped in the gatehouse for years, and among them was a cleric who was informed by his god what had happened. When confronted, the bard said he was from Ter, which angered the Terian ambassador (Lawful Evil antipaladin of strength, bravery, and power). When pressured to make amends, he agreed to revoke any and all affiliation with his country, wear a collar that blocked his magic, and accept permanent exile. When he revoked his diplomatic immunity the Terian ambassador hit him once to repay him for his slight, taking him down to one hit point. A PC assassin who was the bodyguard of another ambassador thought this was an unfair judgement and swung a rag soaked in contact poison at the dwarves. In the ensuing melee one dwarf and an assassin died, the surrounding characters were made very ill by the poison casually slung about, and the bard escaped uncollared. The bard, still at one hit point, lay in wait for the party outside the underground entrance because he knew the Terian ambassador would send a message home by carrier pigeon. He shot one of the pigeons down with magic missile, and the Terian ambassador rode after him and pumped him full of poison darts. If the bard had pushed his horse he would have gotten away, but he charged the antipaladin in full plate swinging his grapple hook. The bard became extremely dead.

"He was a very bard boy."

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The Gods Hate Undead.

Thanks to: Roary the Wemic

A level 3 Wemic Cleric (Me), two humans (NPCs), a level 4 elf wizard, and a brownie (NPC) are all hiking through woods infested with undead, trying to exterminate them all to get 100 platinum from the plagued town. Yay. Suddenly, my 'detect-undead' radar gets this humongous blip and as we get closer, we discover that it is an undead giant with thousands of undead rats living in it. The brownie pegs the thing with an arrow from the top of a tree. It turns around and the first thing it sees is me, because I am a huge animal. I RUN. Everyone else is pegging it with fire and arrows and all kinds of stuff and manages to sever its spine and cut the thing in half, what with all the fire damage. I'm running for a grove of Treants (Treants is correct, thanks for helping out.) which will rip the thing to shreds. It and I have outdistanced everyone else (who are now pegging rats) and I am running for my very life as it hauls itself along with its arms. I fail my speed checks two rolls from the grove so I turn to face the freakin thing. It punches me and while I manage to get my shield up in time, the shield is completely destroyed, bent completely inverted. I have one alcohol-bomb (consisting of a bottle of dwarven spirits and a rag) left on me. I light it, chuck it, pray, and roll. The gods grant me the only 20 of the session. I kill it, get the treasure it had stuck in its tooth, and heal myself back up pretty well. My only consolation was that the brownie had its leg gnawed off by one of the rats. (He didn't die - he had a ring of regeneration on as a 'belt').

"This brownie only lost a leg, the other story involving thorns was a much worse fate."

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Jon wasn't all Good

Thanks to: Gorgoo (the DM)

Now I'm not a player, but my players do very stupid things sometimes. Once, when they were on Mount Celestia, the ruler of all good dragons, the Platinum Dragon, appeared. He was testing them on their goodness because in my campaign world, no evil creature is allowed on Celestia. The group was about to pass, when Jon, the human sorcerer threatened to attack the dragon. Can you say, "Dead real quick"?

"Why are sorcerors always revealed as the evil ones?"

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Did You Know?

Thanks to: Guy_SJS

Kind of off topic... Once we were playing AD&D at a friend's house. This group meets like once a month but we're still tight. At any rate, we were eating pizza once and one of the guys said "Hey, did you know they made a book aobut D&D??" We all laughed at him until we turned blue in the face.

"Hey, did you know they did a website about D&D too?"

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Dusty Trails

Thanks to: Sargen

My party was walking down a road when we saw a cloud of dust the DM said was a group of 130 gnolls. We talked about what to do until we saw them. I was run through.

"Ooh, death by gnoll or death by choking, I like it."

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The Shortcut of Pain

Thanks to: Ray

This occurred before I became a DM and was actually one of the reasons why I switched from being a player to a DM. The party was marching in a mountainous area looking for a certain town. The path we followed split two ways, one went up and the other down. We decided to take the upper path so if it was the wrong way, we could perhaps find a cliff or ledge that overlooked the area and maybe see the town. Two days later, the party comes to a ledge and we all look down. Of course, we see lights from a town seemingly thousands of feet below. With curses, we all turned around to start the long march back down. The 9th level fighter, however, stops a minute and looks at his sheet. Figuring luck was with him, he ran and jumped off the cliff. We all stared in disbelief at this apparent suicide and all the player says is, "At most, I'll only take 20d6 damage. I can survive that!" After falling for a couple of minutes, he hits the ground, stands up, wipes the dust from his armor, and strolls merrily into town while the rest of us start to WALK down the mountain.

"Hope he wasn't carrying any glass objects like say, a healing potion."

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Freak me out Twice, Shame on you

Thanks to: Rei

Ok. A few years ago I had this character that we thought would be fun to do, a Were-tiger. Now to balance this guy out, the DM and I decided that he grew up in the forest and had no idea what magic was. When he saw it he got so freaked out that I had to make a Constitution save or he'd turn into a were-tiger and maul the person casting the spell. The party I was with found this out when the mage cast a healing spell on me. Luckily that time I made the save. The next session some moron came and made a sorcerer character. Now the party's mage warned him about casting spells when standing too close to me. He ignored him and called my character over, and asked me to help him start a campfire. As I tried to find my flint, he casts a fireball right next to my guy. Needless to say I freaked out. This time I failed the save and mauled him. He survived...then cast a chain-lightning spell at me. He was promptly mauled. This time he didn't survive. Upon reganing control of himself, my character just shrugged and said "oops."

"You were all better off without him, I have a hunch."

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A Tale of Ale

Thanks again to: Rei

Once again I share a tale of my favorite were-tiger. After a particulary difficult dungeon my old party and I headed to a tavern to celebrate. I think now would be a good time to mention that one of the party members was a female lawful good paladin. She and I argued and competed all the time. But I digress, anyway, once at the tavern we promptly got into a drinking competition, and were soon so drunk that the DM told us that once we'd downed the tankard in our hands we saw black and remembered nothing. That morning my character woke up with a hangover and noticed something wrong...The paladin was laying right next to me. Once she woke up she proceded to knock my character senseless. We later found out that in the drunken haze, our characters somehow got married. Unfortunately the Lawful Paladin had to abide by her vows and so we were not able to get the marriage anulled. My character then swore off ale.

"I'm afraid he's also going to have to give up golf."

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The Trouble with Magic

Thanks to: Alzar26A

Sit down, this is a long one,
This kid and my boyfriend loophole their characters until they have the strength of gods. Hell, they went and killed gods for fun. Now Matt, the kid, wants to kill my favorite character because he can with his two maxed out gods, Nicotine and the killer.
Okay, a normal person would say no but every one used to play @$#% Magic: The Gathering. So I went for it. My character Laika has a fairy mound she lives in and if you know any thing about fairy mounds, you know that there's more places to go than New York. He winds up in a swamp, fights a catopalous (Ed. note: I think it's Catoblepas, that's the closest thing I can think of, and I'm thinking of the boss of that name from FFVIII) or what ever, fails a save and dies from a death gaze. Now he's whining like an infant, wanting me to resurrect his characters so that he can go kill my sidhi mage. I do but now both his characters are naked. Worms up their butt naked.
"I want my stuff! I want my stuff!" he whines. They both come to table, big feast that sort of thing, of course he's like crying about his stuff, so Laika starts to drop it from above him. I rolled dice to see if I could hit him (with modifiers). The closet was an inch from his head (yes it still should have killed them.) Finally, before I gave them back too many weapons, farm equipment came a foot from them destroying what was left of the table.
He shut up. His attention was directed to a chest. Inside was a belt marked girdle of "giant strength". Happy as a sadist in torture chamber he ignored any warning that the belt might not be what it seems. So now Nicotine and the killer met Laika. Laika knows she can't stand up to these guys so she brought back up. A silver dragon wrym. Nicotine puts the belt on. A dice roll and Nicotine stands before a raging dragon. Oh now he's scared. For some reason he can kill gods but he's scared of an over sized lizard. He wants me to send it away. Laika won't unless he agrees to drop his weapon and fight one on one. He refuses so the dragon comes closer. He wants out of course, at some point two naked people are marching down the street wearing a sandwich board that says loser on it.
(Ed. note: Shall I assume that was their punishment?)

SAME IDIOT DIFFERENT PCs. THIS TIME HE'S PLAYING TWO NEUTRAL GOOD CHARACTERS. Laika is visiting a city were there is plague. She is a healer. She also promised her kids a vacation, so she hired chaperones. She has several kids, many are orphans, so she hires almost all the chaperones she knows and she hires Matt. He's doing fine, but some of the kids wander off. One who likes animals is visiting a trainer who is rumored to have a black dragon. Suddenly Matt wants the dragon. He forgets about being a chaperone (playing out of alignment) and starts bidding for the dragon with my boyfriend also. So now an angry Laika shows up as he and Adrian are fighting for the dragon, and she starts yelling at him. The words that Matt said surprised me. "Black chromatic orb." Laika stops it with a ring of spell turning, Matt counters and we're playing ping-pong till the spell fizzles out.
So Adrian got the dragon, Laika got her kids, and Matt got the boot plus penalties for alignment change.

One other kid wanted Laika to send him on a Quest. He too was maxed out. Boy am I desperate for players or what? I mean, all 18 stats except strength, which was 25. Anyway, there he was in a stable full predatory hiding beasts; i.e., dragons, griffins, velociraptors. My boyfriend appears with his magic cards. The boy says in haste "I attack Laika!"
You can imagine what followed. Laika shielded herself and the man with 25 strength was promptly overpowered and eaten by several large carnivores.

"One word solution to your boyfriend's Magic problem: EBay."

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About Time we had a bar Brawl.

Thanks to: BDery

I guess I should tell you about Cadillac, a chaotic neutral thief/mage in our party. We are all sitting in Bigg's Tavern knocking back some brews. All except the Cleric, Bishop Benjamin. He would only drink tea. Anyway, the party contains the Bishop, Cadillac, a Ranger, and me Rugbeard, a dwarf fighter, and we are listening for rumors but not hearing anything notable. I guess we were having too much fun drinking Bud's Wiser Ale. After awhile, Cadillac has one brew too many and decides to cast a fart cantrip on a big bearded lumberjack sitting at a table with his girlfriend. The cantrip causes the local to blast a big one and the lumberjack's girlfriend gets annoyed and stomps away in disgust. Our whole table had to roll under our wisdom to see if we can keep from laughing and drawing attention to ourselves. We all manage but Cadillac decides he wants to do it again. This time he picks a fat man who is sitting at a table conducting a serious meeting in the corner. The Bishop insists Cadillac "cease and desist" but Cadillac gives him the finger. We all watch as Cadillac twitches his mouth making a little fart noise with his mouth, then we see the fat man turn red with embarrassment, apologizing to his friends. The DM decides that since the Ranger failed the saving throw to keep from laughing, our whole table starts laughing and pounding on the table at what just happened. Luckily the Bishop says out loud "And you should have heard what the jester said NEXT! ha ha ha!" That saved us from anyone thinking we were making people fart or making fun of others. Cadillac is now all fired up and this time he chooses a greasy looking man sitting on a barstool by himself. Next to the greasy man is a redfaced fellow looking grouchy. We all beg Cadillac not to do it but he does it anyway, making the greasy man fart. The man is so surprised he falls off his stool while at the same knocking over the redfaced man's beer. This starts a brawl with fists flying everywhere. Someone stabs somebody with a knife and the next thing we know everyone is locked up in jail. After paying a fine to get out of jail and help repair the damage to Bigg's we all go back to the inn to regroup and refocus on the adventure. We take a day off adventuring to recover from our wounds. We were all pretty banged up. The Bishop has two black eyes and one of his ears half torn off. Rugbeard is limping from where somebody stuck a fork in his shin. The ranger lost a tooth and Cadillac came out unhurt, having used a cantrip to make himself smell like a skunk which allowed him get out of the tavern fast. That was one of the best times I ever had playing AD&D.

"No good can ever come out of bar brawls. That doesn't mean you shouldn't, they're fun!"

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Touching Crown to Sceptre.

Thanks to: Chris

I'm DMing my two friends, Tim and Mike, through the old "Tomb of Horrors" campaign. (If you don't know it, it's a dungeon crawl that's 95% traps, with an unkillable demi-lich at the end.) So Tim leaves to eat dinner, and Mike agrees to play Tim's extremely high-level, exceptionally powerful character for the 30 minutes Tim's gone. So Mike comes to this room, and in it is nothing but two powerful magic items: a scepter and a crown. And the only problem is, as the guidebook says, that if the scepter TOUCHES the crown, anyone wearing the crown dies instantly with NO CHANCE of being resurrected by any means. So naturally, Mike has Tim's character put the crown on and then, for no apparent reason, touch the scepter to it. Instant death. It was uncanny. We sat there stunned until Tim came back. I had to show Tim the passage in the guidebook to convince him it wasn't some lame conspiracy to piss him off. Mike was buried in hail of Doritos and empty Coke bottles.

After that, touching the scepter to the crown became a popular cliche. Like, "My girlfriend broke up with me because I called her a bitch." "Oooh, you touched the scepter to the crown, huh?"

"Yes, your girlfriend heard about the scepter and broke up with you."

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Assassination, a how not to Guide

Thanks to: Chris again

I'm DMing my friends, Jim, Mike, Tim, and Brendan. And Jim is playing an assassin, which was a rarity. Rarer still, Jim has to perform an actual assassination of some evil merchant. So naturally, everyone tags along.

The party breaks into the merchant's house, and hangs out in the downstairs parlor while Jim does his deed. Jim sneaks into the bedroom, and accidentally wakes the merchant up. The merchant, a zero level NPC, knocks Jim out with one punch. Then he runs downstairs, smack dab into a very surprised party. The party subdued the merchant, got Jim, and left. After that foolishness, Jim was never allowed to talk to the assassin's guild again.

"Let this website be a warning to all. Jim + assassin = bad!"

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The DM was a Dummy

Thanks to: Creeky Neck

This happened a long time ago. I was probably 12 years old as were the players, so what one of the players did to me could be labeled as "hyper imagination."

Anyway, I was doing an adventure out of my head, no notes or anything, so we were grouped together with no table and nothing separating the players and me. During one of the encounters, the players were hiding behind trees in a forest and I tell them that an army of bugbears were marching by them. I rolled to see if any of the bugbears see them and they don't. One of my players, who was behind me at the time, tells me that he waits until the last bugbear goes by the party and his character will sneak by it and do this. At this point, he grabs my head and twists it. Either my neck muscle was REALLY strong or my friend was REALLY weak, I'm alive only with a creeky neck that I have to crack every so often. Let's just say I had a barrier placed between me and my players from that point on.

"A Dungeons and Dragons injury, now there's a first."

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40 Minutes Wasted

Thanks to: Some Dwarf

(I found this page on FARK... how do you like instant popularity? :)

"It was interesting, I doubled the size of the site. I love it."

A friend told me this story:

Once upon a time, there was a party deep in a mountain cavern. They came to a small alcove that looked 'inhabited' at some point. After a brief look around the place, they decided no one was home. While searching through various bundles of rags and broken crates, they spotted a small hole in the wall. After spending 15 minutes (real time!) THOROUGHLY searching the area around the hole for traps, they used various techniques and spotted a bag at the other end of the hole. The hole was big enough for a human hand to fit inside, but way too deep to reach the end. They just happened to have a thick set of work gloves and a very long iron pole, and they decided that the drawf warrior, being the most buff (i.e. most HP), should put on the gloves, stick the pole down the hole, and see if he can manage to drag the bag out as carefully as possible. After several minutes of coaxing the bag to the edge of the hole, they left it there at first while the thief again thoroughly searched for traps. Satisfied that there were no problems, the dwarf grabs the bag up, looks at it, then holds it out at arms length and slowly opens it up. Nothing happens, so he carefully peers inside: powder... just dark, grey powder. "Hmm" the fighter says as he takes off a glove and sticks a finger down into the powder...

I won't bore you with details, but it turns out the 'powder' was the burnt remains of a necromancer. . . (they spent a good 40 minutes being SO careful, just to plunge a finger into an unknown substance; I guess he's the fighter for a reason, eh?)

"Fighter or not, those 40 minutes are gone and you can't have them back!"

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Why you Should pay Attention in Physics Class

Thanks to: Phnord

Ok, so I'm running a very odd D&D-like campaign. The party finds themselves in a hallway facing a big, thick, imposing wooden door. It's liberally banded with steel straps and looks impossible to break down. Of course, one of the characters, let's call her "Corpse #1", figures the easiest way in is to open the door, which immediately gives her a huge shock causing a lot of damage. I figure ok, she's learned her lesson, I'll let the door open.

Inside is a Gigantic Steel Warrior Statue (Steel golem) standing between two steel spheres on concrete pyramid stands (Van-de-Graff generators). There's a stink of ozone, a control panel (disguised in the floor), and not much else. So the first thing Corpse #1 does is walk up to one of the steel spheres and touch it.
~~ZAP!!~~
She fries extra-crispy. One of the other players comes to rescue her. His cursed sword sticks to the sphere.
~~ZAP!!~~
Eventually someone frees them both, and someone else raises them from the dead. And what's the first thing Corpse #1 does?

You guessed it. ~~~ZAP!!!~~~

That's the last time she plays. q;}

"Corpse #1 would have been better off taking up smoking, not that she wasn't already."

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Does Anything Ever go According to Plan?

Thanks to: Entevu

Our party was on a rescue mission. One of our group needed to save a kidnapped girl of some royalty. The group, 7 strong, located the mansion and needed to formulate a plan. The place had 25 guards in plate armor patrolling. 3 of us were choosen to go in for skills that would be needed; Myself, the elf fighter, Zandora, another elf fighter, and our human thief, Kalen. The 3 of us worked our way in silently while our 4 companions made a diversion out front. The thief reached the kidnapped girl first through the balcony window. The girl screamed and a guard burst in the door. Kalen immediately attacked the guard barehanded to try and subdue him. I came in next and seeing the struggle, I charged the guard. I attempted to grapple him, but I failed (botched with a 1 to be more specific) and I flew past both Kalen and the guard with amazing speed, through the door, and into the wall on the other side of the hall. That got the attention of a couple of guards down the hall. I stumbled into the room again. Kalen threw a smoke box (smoke grenade made by our gnomish inventor) and we ran out to the balcony with the girl. Now several guards are closing in on us thanks to my intimacy with the wall. I slapped a fly spell on myself and zandora with a charged item and the 4 of us (2 in tow) took off. Our gnome had our getaway airship ready. We threw rope ladders to our 4 companions on the ground and as they climbed up, many guards and the lich burst out after us. The lich made it to our rope ladder and climbed on. Tthen one of our wizards hit the lich with a lightning bolt, severed the ladder and the lich fell. We made our escape, not exactly secretly as planned, but we all made it out alive.

"With the invention of the 6 o'clock news several hundred years away, nobody cared about that incident."

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Swiss Cheese Minus the Sandwich

Thanks to: TRAP

Once upon a time, I was GMing a game in which a race of creatures from another planet(cyborg type) had come to take the player's home planet as their own. Trying a direct takeover ages ago (heard through legends) they had failed (magic being more powerful then technology). They decided (the bad guys) to go back in time on the player's planet and destroy the beginings of magic. The players, figuring this out, went to the island where the aliens were based. They used a magical airship and they made a illusion that it was a flock of birds on the approach. Just before the island, BAM!, a wave of energy burst from the island in all directions (magic no longer exsisted) and the airship crashed into the island furrowing a long trench as it landed. Scores of guards armed with guns appeared. Now the party had confiscated some guns from before and had rolled out into the trench for cover. They had not really used them before because when technology is used magic decreases, but now, what the hell. All of the party EXCEPT one jumped into the trench. Our new player on his FIRST action jumps out of the airship, rolls onto the ground, jumps up, faces the guards (in total James Bond fashion), and aims his semi-automatic weapon at them. That was his turn, now mine. 7 Guards + 7 semi-automatic weapons + one guy out in the open = SWISS CHEESE. He never knew what hit him (150 plus damage). The other party members defeated the guards, followed the aliens back in time (the machine was on the island), restored magic, destroyed all the guns etc...
Then they had a large monument of a block of swiss cheese erected where they buried what was left of the body.

"The guy died with honor and you gave him a cheesy funeral. How fitting."

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A Tale of Crowbar Obsession

Thanks to: Anonymous Orc

Okay, I was a newbie DM and had started up a campaign with a couple of friends (two to be exact, one mage, one thief). Since their combat abilities sucked, I placed them in a position where they could join one of the local thieves guilds and get a bit of EXP. That night they were sent to rob a warehouse of everything they could, as it was acting with support of a rival guild. The thief climbs on top of the boxes and starts opening them without a care as to the sound. Obviously, a guard comes to check out what's going on. Both characters lie down on the crates to hide, only the thief slowly climbs to the edge and leans down.

Thief: I swing my crowbar at the back of the guard's head.
DM: What?!?
Thief: I attack him with my crowbar.
DM: You realize the penalties with using a weapon you're...
Thief:I don't care, I swing my crowbar!
*dice rolls* (20)
DM: Okay, your penalties, plus strength modifier...damn, critical hit!
Thief: How much damage do I do?
DM: Well, that's not exactly a conventional weapon, so I'll say 1d4. Roll for damage.
*rolls a 4, guard has 6 hitpoints. Crowbar lodges in guard's head and yanks it off.*
Thief:Woohoo!
DM: *sigh*

That player used that damn crowbar everytime they got in a fight! Got more critical hits than any other weapon I've ever seen! *gotta check those dice I suppose...*

"I'd keep the player away from any real crowbars if I were you."

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Chaotic Evil Chaos

Thanks to: LadyKrysten

Elven Mage/thief
This is a story my father told me. His party was invited to go to URI to play. His party decided to be all chaotic evil. Now my father was playing a mage/thief. So they start playing, everything is going well and night falls. My father's party offers to stand first watch. The other group agrees. They slip their DM a note stating what they were going to do. So the other group all goes to sleep. After several rolls, the DM informs them that a silence spell has been cast on them and they are awoken as their thoats are slit.

"Oy! The player's handbook should use this example of why an all chaotic evil party can't work."

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Loads of Fun With Magic

Thanks to: LadyKrysten

Ok, here is a fun one about me. Not my death but still fun. I was playing a 12th level mage with a very strong affinity to fire. She also happened to be chaotic neutral. So a party of myself and 4 others were in this dungeon, and lo and behold there were a bunch of goblins and some trolls. Now, I cast fireball and hit some goblins. While one was still smoldering I levitated him and attacked the trolls!! Poof!, a new spell was formed, Flaming Goblin of Death!!
A little later (in the same dungeon) we came upon a quietly sleeping group of goblins. There were two factions in our party. The first was to wake them up and kill them, and the second was to just kill them. I got sick of waiting so I cast Wall of Fire, using the circle option. You know, the one that slowly shrinks. And that was promptly named the Goblin Oven. Many jokes resulted in having roast goblin.
And of course there is that time when I fireballed the cleric, but I just don't like to talk about it.

"There was the time when I set my gnome on fire. I don't like to tal...wait, that's on another page."

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60 Skeletons and a Thief

Thanks to: Soran

I was DMing for a group of two, a mage and a thief, Soran. They were both first level. They were in an age old abandoned temple searching for a magic item to return to a local order of knights. During their quest, Soran had come across a sword. He had found it in the hands of a dead dwarf surrounded by 2 other dead dwarves, all cut open. Needless to say, it was a cursed sword...but more of that later. Deep inside the temple, they came across several (60, in rows of two) stone boxes, 2m by 1m by 1m, standing upright with the lids facing them. In the back they could see a small altar (they had seen the like before, the altars were used to open doors and the like). Soran walks up to the first box, opens it, sees a skeleton which is not moving, closes it, and goes further through the room towards the altar.
Needless to say, when he is a bit further inside the room, all the boxes open and the skelettons start walking towards Soran. He has the right idea and tries to dash for the altar. He would have made it too if he hadn't also drawn the sword to do some damage while he ran. He stopped dead in the middle of 60 skeletons and went berserk...can anyone say new character? I knew that you could.

"I'll bet one of those skeletons was actually Mr. Rogers."

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Testing, Testing, 1,2,4D6 poison.

Thanks to: MagicBoris

Glasken was a chaotic neutral gnomish warrior (and a highly skilled potter) with a wisdom score of 3. He was the ultimate fool. One of my favorite characters ever. Anyway, he somehow got his home village (as well as the neighboring village) burned down by a pissed off evil wizard. The party eventually reached a cave containing some magical equipment left there by another wizard who seemed to like Glasken. When we went outside, we saw some kind of giant wasp-like insect picking up a small rabbit off the ground, probably intending on eating it and leaving us alone. Of course, Glasken being overexcited about his new magic chain mail thought it would be really cool if he could hit the rabbit with his spear. I rolled an 18, so Glasken successfully knocked the wasp's lunch out of its legs. Of course, the wasp didn't react in a friendly way and surviving 5d6 poison damage is pretty much impossible for a level 1 character...
On the bright side, that evil wizard stopped following the party around, destroying every village in it's path, since Glasken was already dead.

"Now I see why he was your favorite character."

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Piss on Dragons!

Thanks to: Targon

Elven thief
A red dragon lived in a large cavern it had carved out from a network of sewers. There was a certain sewer grating in the ground, metal bars covering a hole in the ground, which opened down into the dragon's lair. So essentially you could look through the sewer grating at the dragon, 50 feet below. I wanted to get the dragon to blow its 3 breath weapons, so I taunted it, mocked it, and cursed it ... to no effect. Finally, I urinated on it. That did it! Unfortunately, the dragon was quicker than I thought with its breath weapon...

"They always are."

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King who?

Thanks to: Targon

We need to sneak into an enemy encampment which is ringed with guards. Our dwarf fighter decides to try to bluff his way in, so he approaches one of the guards boldly and says "I have a message for the King!". The guard looks at him and says "You know the King?". The dwarf says "Well, not yet, but I'm sure when we meet we'll be great friends!". Next scene: a dwarf being chased by four guards.

"I waited two years for someone to post this kind of story."

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Yet Another Story Involving Fire and Combustibles

Thanks to: Khamul

Once upon a time, the group my character was with were traveling through a swampland. The party consisted of myself, a human cleric, a 6 foot 5 elf (no lie) fighter, a thief, a ranger, and a mage. While in the swamp we were all being attacked and eaten alive by the many mosquitoes that live there. The Elf fighter got a bright idea. He reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of alcohol and took a big swig of it. He then took out a torch and proceeded to light it. He then spit the alcohol on the open flame. Combine that fire with the swamp gas around us and he ended up creating a fireball so large that it burned the entire party thus killing us all. Because of this the DM had to alter the adventure drastically to make it all seem it was all just a dream.

"If it weren't for the fire and dumbass combo, I wouldn't have a site."

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Glasken, the new Eric Dieter?

Thanks to: Magicboris

Stu was a human thief who didn't do much except owning a clay pit. A bunch of 9 or 10 year olds thought he was a loser and were always pestering him. One day, after having some watermelon filling thrown at him, Stu snapped. He caught one of the kids and spanked him really hard. Moments later, angry passerbys were energically questioning his actions. My character, Glasken, an incredibly foolish gnome, being tired of all the shouting and yelling, decided to show Stu what it was like to feel great pain to his ass. He sneaked behind him and hit him with his club. Unfortunately, I rolled a 6 as the damage roll. 6 was Stu's max (and current) HP. We use the -10 HP rule, so he could have been saved, but no one really cared. Moments later, another PC dragged the body in a wheelbarrow to the river, since it was lying near his porch.

"I've never thought of spanking with a club. This could be good."

Costanzo was a fork throwing, spagetti eating and banjo playing bard who always introduced hisself as cosTANzo, saying the "TAN" louder than the other parts. He eventually found himself alone at the entrance of a cave which he soon discovered was occupied by owlbears. He quickly climbed to a tree without being seen. On a neaby tree branch was a killmoulis (a tiny, ugly humanoid) who, whispering, asked him who he was. Costanzo whispered back "Me? I'm cosTANzo.", saying the TAN part loud enough for the two owlbears to hear him and begin climbing up the tree. He actually did pretty well, using his belt to swing to another tree and using his tent as a sort of net to slow down one of them, but he was eventually outrun and eaten anyway.

"Couldn't Glasken have TANned his hide instead of owlbears?"

Blazius was the character I created after Glasken's death (submitted earlier). He was a human magic-user, who lived for Pure Evil. Not in an actually evil way, but rather in a Dr. Evil way (or like Khrima, from the Adventurers comic, if you know about it. If not, you really should). He came up with a plan to take control of a small village. The plan was to kill the chief, leader, mayor or whatever in front of the entire village with my shocking grasp, and claim to be their leader. So in the middle of the night, we used the gong (yup, a gong) they had for important events, and pretty much everyone showed up, including the leader and two guards. What he sees is this: me, a mage with long silver hair in a black robe, backed up by a gnome in a ridiculous outfit. I cast my spell and try to touch him, but I failed my THAC0 roll. Fortunately, he thought I was just trying to touch him. Being level 1, I had no spells left so I whispered to the gnome "Plan B, Plan B", which I was hoping he would understand as "Slice that guy in half" since there was no plan B. Meanwhile, another PC, a gnome illusionist, had set the weapons depot on fire and cast the taunt spell, (wich causes everyone to get so angry at the caster they just want to kill him) while under the influence of the ventriloquism spell, so the taunt actually seemed like it came from one of the two guards. With the weapons depot on fire and the whole village wanting to rip one of the guards to pieces, I managed to kill the leader in the confusion. Things were actually working out well. Then, out of nowhere, a Davy Crockett like-ranger (occasional player) passing by figured out this whole mess would be a nuisance to his fur trade, and shot my character from the other side of the town, across the furious melee, killing me om the spot with his first arrow.

"With that kind of aim, he must have a monopoly on the fur trade."

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The Pun Never Stops

Thanks to: Tevaron

My ranger (Tevaron of course) was adventuring with a party we called "The Company of the Golden Spear", owing to the fact that our leader carried a magical golden spear (go figure). Well one of our members was a drow, and unbeknowst to the rest of the party a cross breed (can't remember the other breed but the characteristics are striking as you will see). One night, as I was standing guard, our thief decided to play a joke and ran through the camp yelling that we were under attack. The drow jumps up from his blankets and draws his swords... all four of them... with his FOUR arms. One of the other characters, noticing this, says the single most stupid, yet at the moment the funniest, thing I've ever heard.

"I see ye be well armed" we all laughed till we cried.

"He's a "four"ce to be reckoned with, that's for sure"

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Everything but the Fad Item

Thanks to: Moica

Elven rogue
In the temple dedicated to Gruumsh, after we cleaned out a few ghouls, a ghast, and a wraith, we decided to search for secret doors. No luck. Then Aub found the door behind the statue of Gruumsh. The altar in front of the statue had blood on it so he decided to cut his arm to bleed some blood onto the altar to see if that would open the door. DM had him roll a d20. He got a natural 20, followed by another. Aub slit his wrist and our cleric failed his heal check. Aub died on the altar.

After entering the now open doorway, we saw puddle of brown muck on the floor. Hamen tried to cross on the left with the lantern and was crushed aganst the wall. The muck was a gelatenous cube laying flat. Hamen was begining to digest when we killed the cube. Luckly he escaped with but a few lost hit points. Unfortunately he lost every thing except his pet rock.

"When interviewed later, the cube said "CUBE!", and then digested the media"

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Being Smart has Tasty Rewards

Thanks to: Hot Wings

My party and I were taking a hard-earned break from adventuring in an ocean-side town. The 5th lvl. group included a geomancer, a Half-orc druid with a wolf companion, a cleric of the god of travel (fhlarfan something), and an elven rogue. We got into trouble very fast. After a little chase which involved a rabid donkey and a sleep arrow we caught up to the villain. The 10th lvl. crustacean fighter was soon whipping our butts. The druid succeeded in his spot check and noticed plate mail under the fighter's cloak. He cast "heat metal" on the armor. Thanks to the natural armor of the crab man he shrugged off the heat of his armor. Well, we were down to the rogue and me, thanks to the fighter's through the roof AC, when the light bulb which was my mind clicked on. I sprang onto the crab, making my concentration check to hold onto the blistering metal armor. I invoked nature's power and cast "create water inside the crab man's suit. All I can say is that we had the best damn lobster that night.

"And I wasn't invited..."

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Beware of Scum

Thanks to: Ghostrider

Amazon warrior
Still being new to the game, this is how my character died the first time. We were trudging through some dark tunnels and came upon a huge underground lake. I asked the DM "What do I see?" He replied "At the other end you see a small boat, and in the lake you some Scum." My character, not knowing that Scum was a monster jumped right in. Needless to say I was ripped to shreds. Through DM kindness, she was ressurrected in a round about way.

"I'd have stayed out the lake either way, scum is icky"

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Beware of Rocs

Thanks to: Ghostrider Our DM had a habit of making worlds and new game ideas. Mind you I was still new to AD&D at the time. This one game was a simple pen and paper version of the computer game Warlords 2. Anyway, I moved my troops through several terrains to finally have an encounter.

As I entered the new terrain the DM says "You encounter a Roc." Again not knowing the difference I said confusingly "Okay I pick it up and move it." To which he replied "Not that type of rock."

"You have a very helpful DM there."

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A Solution to the Stupidity Problem

Thanks to: Khamul

Human cleric
This is one story from an adventure we ran a long time ago. The party contained me, a level 5 fighter, a level 3 mage, a level 5 priest, and a level 6 ranger with an intelligence score of 7. Our DM had us running an adventure in the domain of Darkon in Ravenloft. Our goal was to go into a graveyard near Azalin's tower to pass three challenges and get him a book at the end. We passed the first challenge with no problem. We got to the second challenge, the intelligence challenge. The puzzle was a pit fiend trapped inside a circle of tombstones and by breaking any stone, we would release the demon. We insisted on moving on and leaving it there but our not so bright ranger fell for the demon's plea for release and the promise of treasure. So with that he ran up and before we could stop him he shattered one of the stones; releasing the demon who left to burn a nearby village. Because of that we all voted unanimously (much to the rangers disapproval) to keep him in a bag of holding with his head sticking out so he would not die and only let him out when he would have proved of some use to us.

"The ultimate solution to stupidity. It's in the bag"

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Never Interrupt Someone's 'Alone Time'

Thanks to: Khamul

One last story involving the same ranger with the low intellegence. Even after five years the memories of this still crack me up. The party, still in Ravenloft, was in a village populated by elves. My fighter was charmed early in the night to fall in love with the first woman he saw. We were all in the inn where he proceeded to fall in love with an elf. Since she was elf and I was human, she would not give me the time of day much less sit down and talk with me. At a loss of words and because of the infatuation, the DM ruled that my character went into the restroom for some, ummmm... "alone time". It was getting late around this time and the party decided to pack up and move out of town. My character was nowhere to be found. This was when the ranger jumped up and yelled, "I'll find him". After searching around the inn he could not find me. That was when he went to check out back. He opened the door and the only thing the DM said to him was "dex check please".

He rolled a 19, thus failing the check. I think you know what happened next. I had to leave the table for almost 20 minutes since I could not stop laughing.

"The ironic part is, you need that restroom to wash yourself off."

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Crocodile Rock

Thanks to: Al

Halfling thief:
Well, it wasn't really MY character's undoing, but being trapped in a book of fairy tales, and having no way to get past a rather large body of water sitting smack dab in the middle of the room, our gnome mage decided to use his dark gift to grow 10 feet tall before wading across it. This didn't deter the submerged crocodile from snagging his leg and pulling him under. Nobody really asked me what to do so I just sat back and smoked my pipe.

"Can't we all just sit back and smoke a pipe?"

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The Hidden power of Love

Thanks to: Anonymous Guy

I recall that the first time I was getting back into cycle with Third Edition D&D, I played an arrogant Druid/Mage with a fellow Elven Beast Rider and a Halfling Drunken Master in my party.

After licking our wounds from an encounter against a party that wanted to find a dragon's treasure that we also sought, my fellows conspired a plot to get revenge against them. It happens that the Drunken Master had a skin of a gorilla as well as some equipment to make a tripwire. Agreeing to have revenge, a tripwire was set at the entrance to the cave while our harasser, the faithful Drunken Master would sneak towards them past a city of hostile orcs. Catching up to them and donning the costume, he flung fake dung at them while making various ape-like noises and ran away. Needless to say, the party was after him and I waited in the back with the Beastmaster, who had his blade ready to coup-de-grace the nearest thing that falls from the tripwire and becomes helpless. He runs past the tripwire, and two characters fall over from the wire, both not our most prefered victims, but choosing to take advantage while we could, he coup-de-graces one of them, killing them instantly. The leader, some sort of chain-wielding mistress, screams in anger and transforms to her true self: a blue dragon. Apparently, as our DM quickly informed us, we had just killed her lover. Even more interesting, the noise attracted unwanted attention and a huge mass of orcs suddenly billowed out along with them. It took an entire orc army and finally a deus ex machina from a sympathetic DM to get two of the three brave heroes out of this mess alive (I was charcoal after being right behind the Beast Rider right before he distracted the dragon by screaming out, "I killed your lover, you wench!").

"The orcs possessing this server ought to happy with this story."

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This is Not The President You Are Looking For

Thanks to: Some IS Scum

Can I submit a story from the MechWarrior RPG? GOOD!
"Can't see why not, RPGs are RPGs."

Once upon a time, we had a misjump and eventually found out we were FAR away from the Inner Sphere; in fact we were at the edge of clan territory, 10 years before they invade the Inner Sphere. We were taken in by a Dark Caste Clan that was trying to stop the invasion of the IS, and we thought that was a GREAT idea and decided to help. One of the clan Galaxy Commanders was calling for a great Kuru-Tie (meeting of the clans; spelling is probably wrong) and the Dark Caste Clan wanted us to help circumvent his plans for the Kuru-Tie. Well, we were told all about this Galaxy Commander, Tiberius Breen, and saw all sorts of footage and we knew darn good and well who this guy was, and his really malicious methods to get his own way. Well, after several successful missions of smiting his plans, some of us end up going into a heavily populated Clan City for the next operation against the commander. He was meeting someone in the city and had his own guards around him, so we wouldn't be able to get to him directly. Instead we were supposed to assassinate the person he is to meet, but if we get the chance to take him out too then go for it. :) Anyway, one of us got separated from the 'away team' and wandered into an alleyway where she saw three elemental warriors beating up on someone. She called out "Hey!" and the elementals just took off running! Over the next few minutes of interaction between her and this bloody pulp of a mugging victim, the DM had her make SEVERAL perception rolls; ALL of them she failed. Well, she managed to help this man to the street and called for some police to help him. As they are loading him into the back of their car, he says to the officers "Take this warrior's name so she can be rewarded." The officer then replies "Yes Sir Commander Breen!"

Why do our dice betray us when we are closest to our enemies?!!?? At least she got the bragging rights of 'defeating' three elementals single-handedly :P

"I think the christians may have a point about this dice being evil thing..."

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That's V-A-M-P-I-R-E

Thanks to: Frank

I run a campaign every Friday night. One of my players keeps complaining that he has done everything, so I let him try a vampire as a playable class. Because of their power, I gave him a few things to avoid at low levels. I let him know that in the beginning, he would be highly susceptable to water, fire, and your usual stake in heart, loss of head, etc... His first turn, I looked at him and stated, "ok you wake up in the inn, you're famished, what do you do?". He stated, "Well first off have the Inn's handmaid pour me a bath". Yes, I killed him off straight away for his stupidity and made him roll a regular character.

"Anyone that dumb can't have done EVERYTHING like they claim."

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Testing the new Abilities

Thanks to: Lodoss the Humourous

Not a downfall story, or screw up, but a PC gets what he deserves:

My friend, an impulsive barbarian, wants to use everything he gets as soon as he gets it. Obviously, this gets a little annoying. So, the first time he was able to use "know intention", I decided to make him learn not to do needless things. While supposed to be asking for a piece of rope from a shopkeeper, he instead decides to use his new abilities. I set the DC to 0 and he learned this from the male shopkeeper:

"You do not understand it, but the intent of the shopkeeper to you is highly... Sexual.

After that, he could only buy things from that shop with locks of his hair.

"Yeah, wouldn't want him digging in his pockets and finding a new ability, would we?"

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A Really Short Tale

Thanks to: Anonymous Drow

One of my friends was a dork and climbed a tree to get away of some orcs before he found some magic bolts. When in the tree, he tried to shoot his cross-bow. He shot himself in the foot. It burst into flames because of the magic bolt and he fell out of a tree to get killed by the orcs.

"I wouldn't call him a dork, unless he aimed for his foot."

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Celestial Cursing

Thanks to: Lita

The scene begins with the party (A half-celestial rogue, 2 human paladins, and an elven ranger/rogue who did not know search or wilderness lore and an elven cleric) traversing down the last unexplored corridor in the dungeon. This is their only way out, as the way back was blocked when the trap door to the tavern was covered with various pieces of burning tavern. The rogue led the way down the dark hallway, carefully looking for traps and even finding a couple before they went off. The party is walking carefully behind said rogue when suddenly he disappears. The cleric (me) blinks and looks to the DM in astonishment. The DM has a decidedly disgusted look on his face. A couple of minutes later (while the paladin and I are discussing what is to be done) we hear the unique sound of celestial cursing coming toward us down the hallway. The rogue climbs over us all in the 5ft wide hall, steps on the magical floor tile yet again and promptly redisappears. By now we know to wait for him. About the fourth time, the rogue finally disarmed the trap. This involved the removal of the very offending floor tile and its destruction against the wall.

"I'd be mad too if I found out the tavern burnt down"

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Critical Misses are Funny

Thanks to: Lita

The scene: A pitched battle with goblin wolf riders, orcish archers, and troll fighters

The heros: 2 human paladins, 1 elven cleric, 1 ranger/rogue, and a half-celestial rogue

The dillema: dropsys

DM: The paladin swings his bastard sword mightily at the troll before him and... (roll,roll) Ack! (roll) No! ::sigh:: The paladin drops his +5 bastard sword and stares at it mornfully. He then quickly takes a five foot step back and ::grumble:: pulls out his short sword.

next turn-
Cleric player: You know, since Magnus (the half-celestial) has that returning spear (AKA yo-spear), what would happen if he rolled straight 1's?

DM: Shut up! Don't say that. (roll, roll) Ack! See what you did! Okay, the goblin he just killed becomes stuck on the spear and... uh... his weight prevents it from returning to Magnus.

"I wouldn't ask him what happens when a 20 is rolled on that one, you may never see it again."

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Don't Piss off Demi-Gods

Thanks once again to: Lita

Cowards don't belong in parties. Especially 1st level cowards in a 10th level party. Our ranger/rogue (without search or wilderness lore) adopted a young elf against our loud protestations. From here on in, he is referred to as Coward. He chronically failed his moral checks and ended up having his leash passed around the party members. He was leashed at all times. Finally, we allowed him to carry a weapon (a longbow). Tragically, we did not realize our mistake until it was too late. We were all engaged in a battle and he had been instructed numerous times NOT TO SHOOT INTO A MELEE. Repeatedly, we told him not to do this. Many times it was said. Much to our dismay, he actually made a moral check and decided to help us out by shooting his bow - you guessed it - right into the worst of the fighting. Now, in the center of it all was our most powerful NPC; the high priestess of the ELVEN PALADINS. All of them. Our little bast-I mean coward- crit on Natalie (aforementioned veritable demi-goddess of the paladins). Then to top it off, he did MAX DAMAGE to her. Luckily, she did not die from the extra 33 points of damage that he dealt to her. However, she was extremely pissed. There used to be trees at that little fort. The only trace of the fort remaining are the cinders. To all of our relief (especially the DM's) the coward who grew his backbone at such an inoppourtune moment was soon killed by a nasty invisible sorceror. He was left to rot.

"He was probably deaf, but we know for sure now that he can't hear a thing"

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Impatient Paladin, Powerful Druid

Thanks to: Melisende (same email as Lita)

Our party was in a small set of caves that we were trying to clear out. Against the wall was chained an elf. Our noble paladin, ignoring the battle raging around him, decided to free this helpless prisoner. Did he ask the rogue to unlock the chains? No time! He must do it himself. Well, he doesn't want to hurt the prisoner, so he puts away the vorpel mercurial greatsword and whips out his two-bladed sword.

DM: You want to free him with that sword?
Paladin: Yeah. I try to break the chains holding him. (roll)
DM: Good job. You break the chain, but in the meantime you have also hurt the elf. He swears in elven. Make a reflex save.(roll)
You fail horribly. The elf whips around behind you, takes your Vorpel sword, and heads for the evil druid.
Paladin: Hey, come back here. That's mine!

That will teach him to wait for the rogue.

"They're powerful, they're lawful good, but for some strange reason, they're also impatient."

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Can I Choose not to Crit?

Thanks to: Melisende, you guys rock

Our noble but broke party decided to escort a caravan through bandit country for some easy cash and a little experience to boot. Our Ranger/Arcane archer (AKA Howitzer) scouted ahead and found a waiting ambush. She reported back and we formed a rolling defence. She and another guard set off to the east to ambush the ambushees. As it turned out, the guard was a drow assassin and tried to take out our dear Howitzer just because she was pretty much the enitre threat to his plans. She did not take kindly to this Benedict Arnold and shot him. Weeeeeell, She crit on him with her Bow of Flaming Burst and the very intelligent paladin player decided that he needed to bring something to he DM's attention.

Paladin: Uh... Has it rained in this forest recently? Or is it really dry?
Dm grins horribly.

INSTANT BONFIRE! But our little pyro is not done yet. Before the battle is over, she also sets one of the wagons aflame. At least the mean old driver had died. Then the party captured a drow with a telepathic sword (but that's another story). The party decided to talk the drow out of his sword and didn't really pay that much attention to the raging forest fire that was quickly surrounding them. The paladin, as if to make up for giving the DM the idea in the first place, doused the blankets from the wagons with water and we hastily made our escape. Thanks to the Howitzer, we now have to complete the 2nd of 2 extra quests because of her little drow/weenie roast. When told of this little scene, a friend remarked "Can I choose not to crit?"

"I'm not sure what the rules say about that actually"

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Opening the Bag of Evil

Thanks to: Woodstar

During the process of clearing out a small bandit hide out, a party consisting of a half-elf paladin, a sorceress rogue, a spaced out elven cleric, and an elven protector stumble across a human chained to the floor and a bull standing over him. The bull fails his intelligence check when two members of the party move around his flank and instead charges the cleric and rogue. The rogue dodges quite nimbly, the cleric on the other hand bolts for a room that has a trap previously discovered but not unarmed. During the ensuing race, the cleric manages to grab a string tied to the wood stick jammed into the trigger mechanism of the trap, slid back out through the door that he just ran in and attempts to pull the string setting off the trap. He fails, miserably. The party that was racing after him and the bull quickly assess the situation. The rogue pounces on the rope and attempts to pull the rope, managing in the process to fall on her butt. The paladin calmly walks over and gives the string a tiny tug which releases the trap. The doors slam shut, with the bull still inside, and the room quickly fills with sand. The party returns to the human and frees him. He informs them that the last of the bandits are in the next room. The group quickly dispatches the few remaining enemies and begins to return to the area where they found the human. The human pulls a dire flail out and motions with his hand, summoning numerous undead. The rogue being the furthest from the human is instantly trapped by the undead. The paladin charges the Necromancer and procceds to wiff every attack roll. The elven protector joins by getting behind the Necromancer. Meanwhile the cleric, who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a nuclear warhead, goes to save the rogue with a flaming longsword. During the ensuing battle, and the rogues musical accompianent of screaming, the paladin attempts to smite the necromancer and is smited himself. Then the necromancer takes a single step sideways to get out from between the two elves and the paladin lands a critical hit with his vorpal greatsword. The bones of the necromancer turn quickly to dust and the party attempts to catch its breath.

Paladin: I want to loot the store room.
DM: You want to loot a Necromancer's storeroom?!?
Paladin: Oh...Yeah, never mind.
Rogue: Look what I found. (Holds up a ring of protection and a bag) Hey paladin, why don't you open it?
Paladin: You think I'm crazy? You open it.
Rogue: ::shrugs her shoudlers:: Ok. ::opens bag carefully, while holding far away from self.::
DM: A vapor begins to escape from the bag.
Rogue: I hold my breath and shut the bag. That was pretty good thinking, huh?
DM: Yeah, the vapor heads toward where the Necromancer's ashes lay.
Party: We run out the door. Later on that evening, while the DM and the rogue were dropping off the paladin, the DM has a sudden thought.
DM: You know, you killed him and then brought him back to life. That makes him a lich.
Paladin and Rogue: Ohhh no.
DM: A lich is undead. ::short pause:: You know, undead are immune to critical hits.
Paladin: Ohhh $#*%.

"It is usually best to look at your loot elsewhere. Society suffers when you don't"

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Wise Men vs. Not so Wise Thief

Thanks to: FOnewearl_Caity

Okay, I let my friend be DM after having been DM for three years and wanting to give my brain a rest. He decided to do a Star Ocean 2 (Excellent PS1 game) RPG because our group has played and loved it. Anyway, he decided to have a real complex storyline involving a Crest of Ressurection. My fault unfortunately, I accidentally brought back the Ten Wise Men. (They were the bad guys of SO2). He wasn't much pleased, because it meant that he had to rewrite half his storyline. So, as revenge, he had the party captured by various Wise Men. He decided to really annoy me and have me captured by Cyril, who I just happen to have broken my "No falling for evil guys" rule for. Um... let's just say I should NOT have tried to get out of it by casting a flight spell. Allow me to explain. Cyril's specialty is Wind. Wind of Destruction + Flight = ouch! Silly little Fellpool. Oh well, she did get away with his Crest Band. No more having to worry about there being no mage in the party!

"And that's all that really matters in the end"

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The Ultimate Burglar Distraction

Thanks to: Thanatos

As a GM, I've had players attempt some amazingly strange stunts over the years. In this case, the player in question (a complete newcomer to the game) was playing a female elven magic user. Late one night, while out and about, she has a run-in with a pair of theives who are in the process of breaking into a house. She sees the thieves, the thieves see her, both sides roll initiative, and she wins. Rather than calling out to the other characters who were nearby or casting a spell, she proceeds to disrobe in front of the (now quite surprised) burglers.

Her reason? "It might distract them or something". I'm still trying to figure that one out.

"I almost forgot why I prefer to play thieves."

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Perseverance Will Lead to Becoming a Badger?

Thanks to: Thanatos

Another amusing moment in one of my games came out of mixing a reincarnation spell, extremely bad luck, and a player who deserved both.

An elven fighter with extremely high stats (including ironically, an exceptional Int and Wis) was waylaid by ju-ju zombies while exploring an ancient ruin. Lacking magical weapons, the intrepid adventurer nonetheless engaged them in melee. After having his sword shatter upon striking one of the zombies, the character, rather than retreating to find his companions, decided to draw his (non-magical) dagger and continue his obviously ineffective assault. Needless to say, by the time the rest of the party caught up to him several rounds later, there was not much left.

The rest of the PCs made short work of the zombies, cleared out the rest of the ruin, and decided to entrust the local druids to resurrect their foolish companion. To make a long story short, not only was he reincarnated as a badger (druids not having access to Resurrect), he failed his system shock roll, thus returning as a DEAD badger.

What can I say, after the way he met his end, I think he deserved it.

"And that was the very first instance of roadkill"

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2 Allies in the Dark, One Swings a Staff.

Thanks to: Thanatos

This tale of accidental woe involves two characters and the much-hated Darkness 15 footer spell.

The intrepid party had chosen to explore an ancient and obviously inhabited temple. While proceeding down a massive columned hallway, two players, an elven cleric and a human thief, both choose to keep close to the same wall. Suddenly, darkness (courtesy of the spell) descends upon both of them. Being experienced players, both realize what has happened and begin trying to escape the boundries of the spell while anticipating an attack. The thief begins to Move Silently, hoping to slip out of the spell and into the shadows near the wall. The cleric (closer to the wall than the thief) begins whirling his quarterstaff in front of his as he advances through the gloom, hoping to fend off any unseen adversaries.

You guessed it. Paths cross in the dark, and the thief wanders right into the cleric's staff. Did enough damage to knock him out, too. At least the cleric realized who he had hit and was able to heal the hapless thief.

"If anyone asks, it was orcs. Gotta love them orcs."

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No Really, You're Going to be Killed

Thanks to: Thanatos (I may give this person their own page)

This is quite possibly the most willfully stupid thing I have ever seen a player do in my years as a GM; I can still to this day only assume that he actually wanted his character to die.

After retreating, battered and bloody from a wilderness lair, our band of tired adventurers pause in a small clearing to plot their next move (and maybe rest). Suddenly, they are surprised by the sound of several large creatures crashing through the trees toward them, courtesy of a Wandering Monster Check. Injured and not wanting to engage in a fair fight, all of the PCs save one dive into the nearby foliage to conceal themselves, figuring that they can either hide or ambush whatever is coming. One player, a Bard, decides that just isn't a good enough plan and demands that everyone come back out into the clearing and come up with "some kind of real plan". After several minutes (real time) of not coming up with anything, I ask what everyone is going to do - everyone except the Bard respond that they are still hiding in the bushes.

At this point, the Bard's player (no longer in character) petulantly proclaims that he disbelieves everything that is happening, and that according to him, everyone is still in the clearing coming up with a plan. Sharing weary looks with the other players, I tell him that while his bard is talking to his imaginary friends, 4 ogres crash through the trees and into the clearing. The Bard, rather than fleeing, proclaims, "Well, I disbelieve the ogres too!".

The most surprising thing was, he seemed disbelieving when I let the ogres kill him.

"Some people can't believe we play AD&D at all. Go Figure"

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Can you Tell That This Guy is a Farker?

Thanks to: Ziff

I was DMing a campaign I made up called "ROYAL ASSASSINS" where you had to kill 7 kings and steal their crowns. Anyway, the party of 3 was on their 5th castle and were surrounded by lvl 50 guards. The ranger (my sis) had an idea. She took off her shirt and hypnotized the guards while the other two in the party (a warrior and mage) killed them with a couple of lvl 20 lightning swarms and a dragon bone mace.
THANK GOD FOR BOOBIES!!!!

"FARK.COM, it's all about the boobies, though I'd like to see orcs on it too."

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Crap, That Isn't Carp

Thanks to: Gnoll_of_Ornluu

Our party of monstrous adventurers (minotaur barbarian, centaur bard, kobold sorceror, and kuo ton monk) were facing off against a derro troop. We were in dire straits when our kobold sorcerer accidentally fumbled his spell and turned one of the derro into a hill giant instead of an intended carp. Luckily for us though, the giant buried the other derro when its growth spurt caused the ceiling to collapse!

"What kind of monstrous party doesn't have an orc? Serendipity to the rescue!"

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That's Not Living off the Land

Thanks to: Slar

I was running a game with characters who all had proficiencies that made them capable, as a group, of living well off the land. They were gated into a river, and fell over a waterfall into a primitive world filled with dinosaurs (too much Land of The Lost as a kid). One, a ranger, was involved in a fight with some lizard men, and found a pair of swords, covered in runes. Since all their weapons had been lost, and he was tired of his homemade spears, he used them. Problem is, they were magical swords designed to be used by the lizard men, and cursed anyone who used them against said lizard men to have the offending limb withered. As a ranger, of course, he fought two handed, and... withered away both arms.

"Those homemade spears look pretty good now, don't they?"

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The DM Must REALLY Want These 2 Dead

Thanks to: Lance

I'm a monk with my partner (a sibling halfling monk named Otem). Well, my partner was battling a dire buzzard and a displacer beast (at 1st lvl) and was getting kicked around. I was in an infirmary due to some very cruel orcs. By sheer will I force myself out of bed and try to aid my partner. Otem was pinned by the buzzard's talons and was being struck with the Displacer's tentacles. She was fading fast. I do a flying kick into the buzzard, freeing my sibling. We do a bit of melee for a few rounds and beat them. Combined, we both only had around 3 HP total. Into the infirmary for us. Where my woe comes in though is after we recovered. We were walking through a cave (keep in mind we're now 2nd lvl characters) and a claw grabs me. The DM sent the TARRASQUE at us! I by sheer fortune get away and we manage to run. Then at the exit to the cave the DM put a special hybrid monster he made himself: a beholder ancient dragon. It looked at us and we had to make a will save or be killed. The DC was 90!! Then, just for fun, the DM ressurected us and sent a Splugorth at us!! (Its a RIFTS monster for those who don't know. Many times nastier than a Tarrasque).

"Were the orcs OK? You know I really like orcs don't you?"

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Once upon a time...I had an orc character. And I was fighting a god and I like died.... and I can't figure out why.................

"Interesting..."

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Shooting Tiger

Thanks to: Slar

Noticed that other games crept in, so here's one from my cyberpunk game...

Yes, I am posting other than AD&D because RPG mistakes are RPG mistakes, regardless if it causes your death by orcs or by Ferengi (my favorite race of Star Trek, they are very resourceful). Anyhoo, AD&D preferred, but I will post others too.

My buddy plays a big humanoid tiger (called a moreau, like the Doctor). He and the professional assassin/sniper are trying to take out a drug dealer. They sneak through the jungle towards his plantation, when they come across some guards. The tiger, being special forces, goes for the guards with his knives. He hits the first, killing him silently, but misses the second. Leaping up to take him in melee before he can give the alarm, he is shot in the head, mind you, by the sniper, who is trying to cover for his mistake. The shocked guard is still surprised, and hasn't given the alarm yet. So, the tiger, having survived the shot with a headache, leaps up again, to be... you guessed it, shot in the back of the head by the sniper. The base was alerted, the group was screwed, and while they did take out the drug dealer, several people died and they lost all the good loot.

"You sure the sniper wasn't sampling the merchandise?"

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Elf? What Elf?

Thanks to: Slar

This first level party, led by the highly experienced player of the human swashbuckler Max (same guy as the Cyberpunk tiger), is off to explore the area around their town. They come across a cave in a ravine wall, and here an odd series of noises from within. Several loud scraping sounds, of metal on metal, a strange low thumping, and a sound of escaping gas...

"Lets go investigate."

Investigate, he said. Maybe check for tracks (prominent) or refuse (throughout the bushes, including lots of human and cattle bones), or just look through the cave with infravision (and thus see the large dragon within). No, they just walked in on the very large green dragon that laired in the area. Lucky for them it had just eaten, and so they went free, minus the tasty elf desert they had brought.

"Lucky indeed. Put a pit in front of them and see if they walk in."

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What's so bad About Koala?

Thanks to: F0newearl Caity

Okay. I'm sure that anyone who read the story involving Wind of Destruction will get this. Anyway, after that incident, we eventually caught up with my character again. Halfway up a tree. It took hours to convince her to come down. Hours. As a result of this, she became known as Koala. As a real bad joke, you understand.

Anyway, she eventually got REAL mad at this, and told the healer, in no uncertain terms (not suitable for a G-rated site either), that next time she died she was to be left dead.

So... I rolled up a new character during one of my Writer's Workshop classes. A human inventor, ready to rumble. I just didn't bother coming up with a name. After a brief stint of playing my poor thief, who displayed distinct suicidal tendancies for a while, and bit the dust during a face-off with Ruprecht. (I could have died... Ruprecht is a wuss on his own. So embarressed.) So, after a REALLY hasty retreat to the nearest city, they decided to recruit someone. Enter my inventor. She offers her services (and explosives) to the group. After a while, she gets hired, and the party warrior asks her what her name is. I said the first thing that came into my head.

Koala Bear.

We didn't stop laughing for a VERY long time, and all it takes is the mention of trees for us to be in fits. Just thought it might interest you to know that despite my increased vocabulary, I still screw up some days.

"While you're up there, grab me a coconut."

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There's Something Odd About This 20-Sided Die

Thanks to: Thanatos

We've probably all played with at least one person who constantly complains about how his "dice hate him" (or her), but in this particular case, it was actually true (sort of).

Many years ago, in one of the first large AD&D games in which I took part, one of the players kept complaining about how his dice hated him during one particular fight - he kept rolling 11s and 12s and needed a 13 to actually hit the creatures that we were fighting. After about 6 rounds of this, I looked over at him as he was rolling his attacks and commented, "Gee, I'd like to borrow your d12 some time".

As it turned out, he had somehow confused his twelve-sided and 20-sided dice, and had been using the d12 for attack rolls. Ironically, that die actually was rolling quite well for him, despite his complaints. If only we'd been fighting goblins...

"That 12 sided die still isn't as cool as the die made out of meteroite."

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He Really is There to Hurt You

Thanks to: Jessica

We were outside in our porch and we started our game. I was in my house with my mom and step dad. Well my step dad didn't like me too much. He kept uppercutting me. Well, we moved to a different town (forget what it was called) that we had alot of control in. I went out to look around town and this guy with a knife sauntered up to me and put the knife up to my neck.

Man: Come with me.
Faith: What the heck is this all about?
DM: Don't ask questions just respond!
Faith: Well...um...Alright just don't hurt me...

I have to admit, I was an airhead for not recognizing that he was going to hurt me in the first place. Well it's not as bad as some of the other things I've done.

"Ooh, other things! Do tell."

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Will You People Stop Using Harpoons/Spears

Thanks to: Razzon

Here's another story about a priest who just isn't praying to the right gods. My party, being comprised of a half-orc barbarian, a half-elf bard, a high elf mage, a high elf ranger, a dwarvish fighter, a halfling thief, a human priest, and me, the wood elf thief, was going into a sacreligious cult's secret ritual area in a forest to rescue a girl who had been kidnapped for a sacrifice. I'm not going to tell you all how it leads up to this, but we end up in a huge fight with about six cult members who can point their fingers at you and do damage. Well, the girl is lying on an altar, and the moon light is being reflected onto her, slowly moving across her face. We find out that when it covers her face, they will kill her. So our ranger rushes in to try and free her, but his sword can't break the shackles. So our barbarian, knowing only how to smash, runs in and starts tearing up cult members. The Priest, after healing me from a minor injury from a pointing attack, runs in with his harpoon. Well, he sees that the light is almost on the girl's face, and one of the cult members has pulled out a knife. The ranger is gone, busy attacking a cult member. So the Priest takes his harpoon, and knowing he can't get close enough, chucks it at the one with the knife. The aim was a little off. He let go too late, and ended up impaling the girl on the altar through the stomach with his harpoon. This was promptly followed by many obscenities from the rest of us. Luckily, after the last member was killed, the Priest healed her. We didn't pull the harpoon out though. We're hoping maybe her father knows a good doctor...

"Probably for the best, he shouldn't have...did I hear there was a half-orc?"

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Watch Where you aim Those Things Pal

Thanks to: Kylz

The compassionate, if not wise, magician...

One of our players who most notably played fighters for most of my adventures decided to try his hand at spell-weaving for once. I applauded his choice and was quite pleased to watch him progress game after game. By the time this night's adventure was underway, he had finally reached a high enough level to gain some heavy firepower spells. Counted among the group where a couple of human fighters, a barbarian, a cleric and a rogue. In one melee bout, our heroes found themselves terribly outnumbered by a sizable band of orcs (low level orcs - the 8 hit point max kind that were dying at a single sword stroke). Wanting to help out his companions, he decided to toss a 6-dice fireball into the mix. He obliterated all of the orcs of course, and managed to crisp all of his companions as well -- doing them far more damage than the orcs could have possibly done. After healing up, the group pounds the mage to within an inch of life to teach him the don't-cast-into-a-melee-battle lesson and lets the cleric heal him back up. The very next time the group is outnumbered, this time by kobolds, our wise mage refrains from casting the explosive fireball spell. Instead, he casts lightning bolt...indoors! (For you who may not know, lightning bolts can riccochet off walls causing even more damage than the initial shot.)

"Some people never learn. Bad things happen when you kill orcs."

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Kriss-Kross has Made us Scarred for Life

Thanks to: Kylz

One of my players who usually plays fighters (yeah the same one who casts fireballs and lightning bolts into melee fights) decided to play an elven multiclass thief/magic user. Another breech of the norm, so I was excited. Early in his career, he gets mixed up with an NPC thief with a grudge against the local magistrate. It just so happens that said magistrate also dabbles in magic. After triggering the magical alarm trap and being confronted with an irate mage and several guardsmen, our hero decides the take a hostage...the mage's own spell book. Being that the mage was not an arch mage (per se) and had been home already and only stepped away for a moment, I allowed the book to be unguarded by nasty don't-touch-my-spell-book-or-be-polymorphed-to-cockroach spells. When he realized that the guards weren't about to let him off so easily, he decided to take the only route he felt was left to him...the window. So he leaps out the window of a really tall tower carrying a huge tome with him. He reasoned the book would break his fall. So being the (semi)kind-hearted DM that I am, I restated his position to him (airborne/big book/long fall) to give him a chance to do something to help him. He decided (while falling) to let go of the book after a few seconds and cast feather fall (once again while falling but no longer at the apex of the fall). Here's where the kind heart thing comes in. I give him a 6% chance of actually being able to concentrate enough to cast the spell. He actually makes the roll! Now check the casting time for the spell. Can you say splat?

The moment he lept out the window I had been laughing. I thought he'd be rolling up a new character for certain. Amazingly enough though, he lived to tell the tale -- saved for 1/2 dmg. Still thinking he was a dead man, the sadist in me got the better of me and I decided to roll the damage in front of him. I couldn't believe how many ones popped up! He nearly died anyway. (Not that PC deaths bring me any joy mind you.) Needless to say he was quickly imprisoned, but still he was alive.

Sidebar: in the confusion the NPC thief got away and helped him escape before he could be thoroughly punished.

"Kris-Kross made him JUMP JUMP!"

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"I would like a lender who forgets who they lend money to, or even that they lent money at all. By this logic, there are THREE lenders that meet that criteria. No thanks.

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"I thought Sundays and holidays was implied by the 24/7. I can just picture what prospective employers would say to me now if I was dumb enough to do this.

Employer: And where did you graduate from Mr. Annis
Me: From internet high! Here's my diploma
Employer: I...see. So you got an A in AD&D web design and a B- in Photoshopping skills. You expect me to make you an employee with THAT?
Me: Don't forget my A_ in umpiring.
Employer: Get the hell out!
*I leave*
Employer: This is going to resumania.com for sure.

Will someone call the number and tell off these people who think I'd fall for that. I would but it's long distance."

"And now back to the stories"

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Insert Group Name Here. If You Can.

Thanks to: F0newearl Caity

Well, not so much a stupid incident so much as a random comment. We were playing our little SO2 (Star Ocean 2 for the PS1) campaign, which was starting to draw to a close, and our DM decided to have us meet Chisato Madisun Again, play the game . She wanted to know what our groups was called. Here was the discussion which followed.

Rebecca: Umm... we don't have a name, do we?
Caity (Me): Nope.
Alex: Well think of one. Chisato obviously wants you to have one.
David: Random Insanity r us?
Rebecca: How about the Crusaders?
Caity: No. ... Pay Us and We'll Do Anything? No.
Rebecca: Wise Men Exterminators.
Caity: Insert Summon Here! *evil laughter*
David: She wins.
Caity: I do? It was just written on one of my pieces of paper for some reason...

See? Not every group has a cool name. Also, the group known as "Insert Summon Here" has defeated the Ten Wise Men and been transferred to a new campaign.

"Hey, with a name that bad, you guys have to be good. I would have suggested the orcs."

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A Hero's Magnetism

Thanks to: Markhoff Chaney

This story is from a game of Resident Evil converted AD&D.

The situation was thus: 5 zombies, 3 Umbrella Elite Soldiers, sounds like an easy clear right?

From the start, none of the 5 players could roll for crap. I scored a hit for low damage on a zombie early on, but it went downhill from there. On my next combat turn, I scored a critical miss with my .357 magnum, which ended up striking my friend's level 5 character, Kristin, in the side of the head for 15 HP. On the very next combat round, another character named Ethan scored another critical miss, causing a 3 round burst from an Uzi to strike Kristin again in the back for 8 HP. Everyone else with the exception of Seth just missed. On my next turn, I scored yet another critical miss, and Kristin was hit for the third time, in the arm.

He has earned the nickname "Bullet Vortex"

"But how well does he attract females is the real question."

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Never Offer the DM any Suggestions

Thanks to: Markhoff Cheney

Another amusing story from a Resident Evil campaign...

The setup was the entire party riding in a helicopter to the location for the start of the campaign. A new player playing a Navy Seal named Ethan had selected the tumbling skill. He had been using tumble to enter rooms, get items, about everything on base. So it really came as no suprise that he chose to tumble on the helicopter. Yes, thats right, tumbling on a helicopter. DM: (under his breath) If he misses this....
Ethan: *roll* Oh yeah...
DM: Ok, you all see Ethan go into a tumble.
Seth: *looking at sheet* OOC: Hey i have tumbling too.. Im going to tumble and attempt to trip Ethan while hes rolling across the helicopter.
*roll, roll*
Seth & DM: Oh damn...
DM: Ok, you see Seth jump out of his seat and go into a tumble, obviously trying to intercept Ethan. Unfortunately he loses his balance about halfway through, he misses Ethan and ends up with his head stuck under a seat. You just lost 3 HP.
Seth: At least i didnt go out the door...

"Let the DM remember those things, it causes problems when players remember for him. And what's with tumbling in a helicopter anyway?"

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Fallout

Anonymously submitted...

Once, I was trying to beat a level 32 fighter with my level 5 elvish archer. I used my magic arrow that I found. My brother had 2 characters attacking it. Well, my arrow turned out to be an explosive +5 arrow. I rolled a 20 on the die for a critical hit. The resulting explosion killed everyone there other than my elf.

"I won't even ask..."

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Animated Ogre

Thanks to: Orion

Druid Ranger Elf

I was in a mixed party on this quest. With us was the usual assortment of humans, dwarves, elves, halflings, and one half-ogre. We were getting beaten up pretty good. My character, Orion, decided to drink a Potion of Polymorph Self. I proceeded to change form to further enhance our battling. Further along the battle, with most of the party unconscious, another group came upon us. I quickly quaffed a second potion, Invisibility. DM rolled on the potion miscibility table. Orion was now Permanently Invisible and Polymorph self was at 150% duration. I took care of quite a few of the nasties, but our Ogre dropped. With no clerical spells left and a failed attempt at staunching the flow of blood, the Ogre died. In effort to resurrect him, Orion polymorphed into a dragon and flew him toward town, which was 2 weeks away by foot and about 1/2 hour by flight.
To all on the ground, a beaten, bloody, limp ogre was flying. Before Orion got to the town, the polymorph wore off so I had to land. I made a stretcher and put the ogre on it and proceeded to drag the Ogre to town.

Before I got there, I was ambushed. Being invisible, they couldn't understand what was happening. I turned the Ogre around so that it was facing them, then proceeded to move his mouth while telling the bandits to leave. Seeing a mangled corpse talk scared them all off and I made it to town without incident.

"About time someone got smart, that would freak me out too."

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It's Just a Spider

Thanks to: F0newearl Caity

Okay. I recommend before you start that you know what Espers and Motavians are, both from Phantasy Star. If you don't, well I guess I'll explain. Espers are cool blue/green/white haired people who can cast the BEST SPELLS EVER. Seriously. And they can use the Psycho-Wand. Cool wand, trust me. Motavians are blue furry people who live (predictably) on Motavia, and have the suckiest magic skills EVER! Bleh.

Anyway, we recently finished our campaign and moved on to a new one, DMed by our newest member, a guy called Jason. He likes doing things to annoy our characters beyond all reason. Like this little escapade.

We're running a story based on Phantasy Star Online, but with Phantasy Star 4 style characters. (Why? Because we're BONKERS, duh!) I was playing as an Esper with serious problems. Namely, a severe phobia of anything spider-like (arachnophobia). I'm sure you can see what's coming. So my Esper's happily lighting a fire for the night, when the party Motavian comes over. Apparently Motavians like to eat spiders. They're also kinda freaked out by magic. Well, my Esper chucks a shrieking fit and blows up the spider with a Hewn spell. The Motavian gets scared, grabs his axe and proceeds to cut my Esper to pieces, destroying what little armor and stuff she had in the first place. My Esper got carried to the nearest Inn and got resurrected, and has since decided not to use magic when less than two feet away from a paranoid Motavian. ;)

"Two words: Good plan!"

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Cruelty to Orcs

Thanks to: Vegelbent Thakaar

I was in a party once. It had a 3rd level human thief, 2 human fighters, One 2nd lev, and one 3rd lev, myself- a 4th lev elven mage, and a 1st lev half-elf mage. We got some supplies in town and went off to find this orc village. After dark, we decided to make camp for the night. We figured it'd be a bad idea to light a fire so close to the village, so we set watch and went to bed. First watch went ok, then the 1st lev mage, Frothick took watch. DM told him he heard some noise in the distance, so Frothick went to go check it out and found a dead deer with a dart sticking out of it. DM said he heard a thumping sound coming towards him, so Frothick decides to climb into the tree to watch. The two orcs who killed it show up and decide to light a fire and have dinner. They build the fire right under the tree the mage is in and eat. The mage has a brainstorm and decides to take a bag of black powder he bought in town and throw some in the fire. DM asks how much, Frothick says, "the whole bag."! He killed the orcs, and being only 1st lev, he also killed himself.

"I hate him already. Orcs are cool"

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How two Friends got started on AD&D

Thanks to: Shizardo Elfstar

When I started playing AD&D in junior high, I played with one friend who had also never played before. We each had a character, and we took turns as DM, with the DMs character basically following along except in combat. We ignored the rules in some pretty stupid ways along the way (an elven fighter in full plate holding a body shield and fighting with a two-handed sword), but our worst transgression was magic. I played a Wild Mage, which eventually turned into a plain old Mage due to forgetfulness. We played without material components (not too uncommon), but it got much, much worse. There is an adventure in the Forgotten Realms boxed set where you find spellbooks containing all spells except the ones with someone's name attached to them. We eventually forgot that I was supposed to memorize spells in advance, and about half of combat time was spent with me flipping through the Player's Handbook for spells. (or was it the DMG? It's been so long. (Player's handbook)) Later, we even forgot there was a limit to the number of spells I could cast. Oh, and I never had a spell interrupted when someone hit me during spellcasting. (I think that's a real rule (Yep, a hit on a mage casting a spell ruins the spell technically)) To top it all off, spellcasting creatures rarely, if ever, used spells because the DM was too busy concentrating on what his own character was going to do.

And to think, I played that way every weekend for about 3 years without getting bored.

"Backyard AD&D players everywhere who pick it up as you go along, I salute you!"

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Party of the PO Dwarf

Thanks to: Dice

This is the story how the party of the PO Dwarf got its name.

It was a good party of 6 players. Me (elven thief) and 5 others (ranger, dwarven warrior, cleric, monk) made up the party. Our leader, the ranger, had our party's name for them. The Dancing Orcs (he used that because we danced on orcs after we killed em :p). We all loved it but the dwarf, so he decided to kill the leader. When the poor guy slept, he sliced his head off. :( Now the dwarf became the leader. He was known to always complain about everything. Since he was the leader we had to follow him in fights against even little 6 year old girls (she kicked his butt good. She used a doll and broght him down to 1 HP. Talk about strong) People started calling us The Party of the PO Dwarf. Well, he get annoyed at this and killed anyone who said it. After he killed half of the people in a town (he realy did!), guards got him and decided to punish us too.

We were sentenced to be thrown into an orc infested forest without weapons and without clothes. The party made it out of there, but unfortantly, so did our leader.

"Damn orc murderers, this is the website of the PO webmaster at the moment :)"

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It All Works Except for One Minor Detail

Thanks to: Shizardo Elfstar

This story began with a few observations:

1) Halflings get a Dexterity bonus.
2) High dexterity gives you an advantage with thrown weapons.
3) In some AD&D book somewhere, lassos were mentioned. It seemed like a fun idea, because no one I knew had fought with a lasso before.

So, my halfling thief and the rest of his low-level party encountered an ogre in the woods. The battle wasn't going very well, so I decided to try and tangle the ogre up in my lasso to give the party an advantage for a couple of rounds. I climbed a nearby tree and got my weapon ready. The dice were with me, and the lasso looped around him nicely.
Now there was a rope with an ogre on one end, and a halfling in a tree on the other. At least I survived the fall...

"I don't think John Wayne dealt with ogres. He should have."

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Covering for a Stoner

Thanks to: Trent

This guy who was in my party at the time was really being stupid but funny. However, we could get nowhere while we were laughing and not paying attention. He kept staring at the sky for no reason. Well, maybe he was ^HIGH^ but anyway.

Our DM just got tired of it and opened up a portal from the 9 Hells, summoning a pit fiend, and asked if he was still going to stare at the sky. Brent, being dumb but smart at the same time, jumped in the portal by jumping down from a tree limb. I was in a bad situation and said I really had to go to the bathroom. I got to the bathrooom and had to think hard, but I had an idea. I cast santuary and ran fast. Seeing as the demon was right next to the portal he went back to get Brent. Brent jumped up and the portal closed.

"You know when your mouth gets dry, you're plenty high!" - George Thorogood

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AD&D + Paintball gun = Payback

Thanks to: Trent

Keep in mind Trent is me, the bard is Brent.

...and so Brent found a cursed sword (he thought it was magical and it was). Brent was new but managed to tick off a senior player. Anyway, they got into a fight and Brent chopped off my friend's leg (the sword was vorpal). Now my friend is pissed off bad. In real life, he got up, left the room, and came back with a paintball gun. Needless to say, they now have a coloured den.

PS (I hope I don't get up enough stupidity to send one of my 1st levels in 1st edition in.)

"I hope you do"

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Wussyslap!

Thanks to: Bjori Orcslayer

Bjorni Orcslayer was a Dwarven Cleric involved in an attempt to remove the hobgoblin presence from around a small village. In the final climactic battle, Bjorni made a terrible mistake. He was dueling it out with the hobgoblin Chieftan, when I dropped flavour text that said chief was almost dead.
"Cool!" said Bjorni, "I'm gonna ruin his honour! I wuss slap him!" Bjorni wuss-slapped the Hobgoblin and missed. The Chieftan (with one hit-point left) rolled a critical and bisected Bjorni.

"As funny as that sounds, he was dead meat anyways."

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Don't Mess With the Bard

Thanks to: Tevaron

I am normally a kind-hearted person, so when a guy I had known for several years( and am still positive is the dumbest non-handicapped person I have ever met) asked if he could play D&D with us, I said yes. Hey, I mean it should at least be good for a laugh, right? You have no idea *sigh*. Well, since he knew me better than the other players he decided he would like to play a ranger as that was what I was playing. So I set him up and things seemed to be going ok until his character, Hemoroid (no really that was what he named him (hemhorroid)) decides he wants to start firing his bow into the midst of our melee combat. Well he manages not to injure us but unfortunately, he does manage to get a critical miss and and put an arrow though our bard's drum. The bard wasn't happy about that, but seeing as how no one was hurt, he didn't make too big a deal out of it. After all, he still had his lute right?

Well a little later on we are involved in another battle and Hemoroid is backed into a corner by 2 orcs who are wailing away on him. He manages to dispatch one of them and as that orc falls, he notices the bard is being hard put upon by 2 more orcs. So wanting to not only exonerate his prior stupid behavior, but also get into the bard's good graces, he decides to help him out... by throwing one of his scimtars at the orcs fighting the bard. Well as you can imagine scimitars don't work well as thrown weapons and he hits the bard instead. Now our minstrel friend is getting pissed, but manages to calm himself down. After all, Hemoroid was trying to help, and he still has his lut.... um was that a SECOND scimatar that just flew by? Crash! Snap! umm.. what was that you were saying about a lute? Hemoroid managed to survive the battle but when he went to sleep that night, let's just say he didn't wake up again.

Moral: You can do a lot of things to a bard and get away with them, but don't mess with a bard's lute.

"Similarly, never mess with a rogue's loot either"

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The Biggest X-Rated Story Yet

Thanks to: Tevaron

Since I usually play characters tha have at least some magic, i.e. a ranger, or more preferably a mage, my DM suggested I try a non-magical class. So I decided if I was was going to do it, I would do it in style, and I rolled up an ogre warrior. well my INT and WIS were horrible being 5 and 6 respectively... hey I'm an ogre, what do you expect? After adventuring for a while and accumulating some cash, my ogre finally has enough money to have his dream suit of armour made. In Midnight black full plate, he struck quite a figure.

Out on the trail, not more than 3 days after getting his armor, Grog (my ogre) and his companions are set upon by Quicklings. They were zipping here and there stealing everything in sight dispite the best efforts of the party to stop them. At last, they leave(maybe they got tired?) and Grog being the sweet brute that he is decides to chase after them and get our stuff back. He follows the lights the little terrors are carrying a short way off to a mound resembling a giant ant hill. Grog roars and charges hoping to scare them all away and reclaim his friends' property. Unfortunatly, he triggers a spell trap and is frozen completely paralyzed. His buddies arrive about that time (they knew he'd never find his way back) and are met by a most gruesome sight: the quicklings are removing Grog's armour quite rapidly and the pieces are disappearing down their hole. In fact the little guys strip him of his padding and every other stitch of clothing, (ever see a naked ogre *shudder* it's not a pretty sight). Having no desire to be subjected to the same treatment, his friends simply watch for a while as he is robbed blind, then head back to camp to sleep until morning, figuring that the spell would be worn off by then. Grog is unable to understand this as he would have helped them.

The spell lasts a much shorter time than anyone thought it would and Grog is freed well before dawn. In his righteous anger he goes back to the camp and takes everyone else's remaining equipment and carries it off a ways into the woods and proceeds to absolutely destroy it. Then sobbing in pain and confusion at what his supposed friends had let happen to him, he goes back to the mound and proceeds to dig. Well I'm sure you can imagine how big a hole an ogre can dig in a few hours, and if you can't, let me assure you, it is pretty big. The rest of the party wakes up that morning and is astonished to find all their stuff gone! When they find Grog sleeping in the massive crater, they wake him and question him about their stuff. He replies "Grog break it all, smash!" The mage (Gylock) is so enraged by this he casts a lightning bolt at Grog. Well, he tries to anyway (hard to cast without components, heh), and Grog (who is stupid but not THAT stupid) realizes that Gylock has just tried to fling some magic at them, and also now knows that these people he thought were his friends are really evil *grin*. He then proceeds to pummel them all into the ground. Let me assure you that a naked lvl 8 ogre warrior is more than a match for 4 naked magic users and a thief ranging in levels from 7 to 10. He did pile up some nice rocks over their mass grave though, craters are handy that way. For some reason the DM hasn't asked me to play a fighter again *Grin*.

"Point taken, now I'll have big nightmares."

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Now Performing, the Rolling Stones

Thanks to: DustBunny

We were playing this great campaign where the DM was trying his damndest to kill us, but we kept escaping his traps. After killing a big party of evil fighters and clerics in a forest, we came to a keep in a hillside, accessable only by a narrow staircase cut into a gully up the hill. After exploring the abandoned keep, we bedded down for the night, but were awoken by an attack. We fought them off, but a couple of them escaped, and we figured they were off to get reinforcements. And boy were they! We decided to make a stand at the top of the stairs (the only way in or out), and, as we had some really strong fighters in the group, we decided that the best thing to do, as the stairs were narrow with rock walls on both sides, was to roll the biggest boulders we could down. When we heard what sounded like a very large group coming up the stairs, we let fly. Again and again. the DM was rolling for about 25 mins before announcing we could hear no more noises coming up the stairs.

The next morning, we left via the same stairs. The DM's description of said stairs was stomach churning. I'm pretty sure paté was mentioned more than once. Turns out we'd pasted about 20 level 10+ fighters and at least 2 stone golems...

Needless to say the whole party went up at least one level each...

"I'd have just kicked the first fighter down the stairs and watch the dominos show, but then I'd be dead."

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Attack on the DM

Thanks to: DustBunny

Our DM was still trying to kill us, and had this plot line involving some evil mage distributing common language spellbooks to his minions to enable non-magic users to cast spells. We came across one of these and our mage started reading it; being ever so careful, mindful of all kinds of traps. As this was happening, I (the fighter) asked the DM what spells were in the book. He's like, "Oh, I dunno, invisibilty, feather fall, dispel magic, magic missile blah blah blah!" obviously pulling them out of his head at random. We then notice that the mage can't stop reading the book, and gets to the end and invokes a hidden spell, create portal, and then is held. The portal opens onto the courtyard of a castle, filled with about 50 20th level fighters, who start yelling and charging at us through the portal. It turns out this mage wasn't really dispening spell books to all his pals, just to us, via a dead courier, so he could spring this trap, and have us hacked up (like I said, the DM wanted the party dead). Everyone freezes and goes *&#@, and I suddenly remember that about 2 minutes earlier, the dm had called the spells in the book. I yell out "I grab the book and cast dispel magic!!!!"

The DM gives me the dirtiest, most evil look ever and says 'the portal closes on some very surprised fighters. You are safe."

Later in that campaign, the DM had an npc cast a spell on our paladin that took 2 VERY hard earned (DM was frugal with the XP) levels off, and was enjoying the look of horror on the pc's face too much to mention that it would be temporary. The pc then launched himself over the table and began throttling the dm. We all thought this was real funny until we realised the DM was going purple. Took 2 of us to haul the pc off. Fun was had by all. Best. campaign... ever!

"I can see where they got their levels from. You have a very smart party there."

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Weretiger Guts and Stuff

Thanks to: Phnord

Note: This story does get kinda gross, so be warned

My campaign's 'big bad boss monster' was a modified Rakshasa, a tiger-man that was quite powerful and uses a lot of nasty magic. In the monster manual, really the only way to kill one of these things is a blessed crossbow bolt. Unfortunately, my players had access to the manual, so I had to change things to keep it interesting.
I decided the only way to kill HissHurl (the baddie) was to drown him in holy water... anything less, and he's just gonna keep coming back, like an even meaner version of Terminator 2.

First thing my players did was, of course, to shoot him with a blessed crossbow bolt. This immediately got magiced by Hiss into a turnip, which he then magiced up and threw back at the players, where it exploded into a 15-HD fireball. Ooops, that didnt work! Then they went out and bought a smallish barrel of something called "BumPowder" from a gnome who was using it for mining. They set it up, then fired flaming arrows at it. When the arrows hit, everybody ran away except one who decided it would be perfectly safe hiding under a table. KABLOOEY!!!! She got vaporized, of course. Then one of my players got a great idea. He played a human druid, who had another form, that of a grizzly bear. So he decided on the following plan of action:

"This is the gross part right here. I would also assume his druid could turn into a flea as well."

He turned himself into a flea. He jumped onto Hiss's back. He crawled up Hiss' rear end. He turned himself into a bear again. KABLOOEY!!!! Hiss' rear end (and all that that implies) exploded all over the lab, leaving everybody coated in nasty organic materials of various sorts. Unfortunately, as I said, HissHurl was nearly invulnerable. His mangled torso begins to crawl across the floor towards some healing potions.... So Osoh (the bear guy) turns into a flea again, this time jumping up Hiss' nose. KABLAMMO!!!! The head explodes. People get rained upon again by bits of tiger-man-skull. Hiss STILL doesn't die. (I believe Osoh was a bit unhappy with me at this point for some reason!) So eventually they trap Hiss and dump holy water on him. I figure ok, no legs, no head, holy water... eh. You win. Hiss finally dies, congratulations!!
Now go take a shower, PLEASE!

"Nice idea, but the bear could just as easily have been crushed by the invincible weretiger. Now I'm going to take a shower."

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Quickies, Part Deux

Thanks to: Ed

#1. Mock the Dead Dragon’s Skull

One time my brother and I were exploring a dungeon when my friend Dan’s mom (Dan was always the DM) said it was time for my brother and me to go home. We were (seemingly) trapped in this room with a dead dragon’s skull, and we couldn’t figure out how to get to the next room. In desperation to finish things up we tried to do lots of things to the skull, hoping we would trigger some secret door or something. We tried kicking the skull, picking it up, etc. (fortunately we were too young to think of screwing the skull!) and finally I (or maybe it was my brother) got the bright idea of Mocking the Dead Dragon’s Skull! Well, guess what. Dan said, "YOU HAVE AWAKENED THE SPIRIT OF THE DEAD DRAGON AND IT IS VERY ANGRY AT BEING MOCKED!!! The dragon’s spirit makes the ceiling collapse on you. You both die. See you later, guys."

"Most clever way to end a game, that's for sure"

#2. The Chicken-in-the-box Incident

Another time we had a quest from a farmer to rescue his chickens from an evil sorcerer (!). So we went to the evil sorceror’s castle and started searching for the chickens. We found a lot of basilisks which we slew. Then we came to this room with these tiny little boxes in the corner. We went over and picked up one of the boxes and opened it up and lo and behold there was a tiny little chicken inside! So we gathered up all the boxes and moved on to search for more. We found more basilisks and "chicken-in-the-boxes". Every so often Dan would describe how the NPC Paladin, "Valieuv", would take out one of the chicken-in-the-boxes and go "twerk twerk twerk" with the chicken’s neck (which Dan illustrated by pretending to take something VERY SMALL in his hand and twisting it – despite the sound he was NOT screwing the chickens!!!) Anyway, we finally got all the chickens and slew all the basilisks, so we went back to the farmer and presented him his chickens. Well guess what, the farmer said, “THESE AREN’T MY CHICKENS!!!” so we said “what do your chickens look like?” and he said “They’re all like green and lizardy…” and we realized that his “chickens” were really the basilisks we’d been killing all along! Fortunately Valieuv offered to buy the chicken-in-the-boxes for 2 silver pieces each so he could play with their necks some more...

"Lesson learned. Always ask for descriptions for such quests as these"

#3. The Milky Way Bar

Maybe my brother wasn’t there for this one… I was on a very surreal quest that I can’t remember the details of, but eventually we got to this dragon, and he wouldn’t let anyone pass unless they gave him a Milky Way bar! So we went back to the last town we passed, but none of the shops knew what a Milky Way bar was. So we went to the local chef and asked him to make one for us. We had to explain that it was made of a layer of caramel, and a layer of nougat, all covered with melted chocolate. So the chef went in the back and took the caramel and the nougat and the chocolate, and... KABOOM! (Dan illustrated with bombastic arm motions) So we had the chef try again… he took the caramel and the nougat and the chocolate, and KABOOM! (arm motions again) So we decided to try it ourselves, so we got the chef to let us go in back and I took the caramel and the nougat and the chocolate, and KABOOM! (arm motions) Finally we gave up and it was time to go home anyway...

"I'm moving this site to a new server this week, and KABOOM! (makes arm motions)"

#4. The Malcontent

One time we were on another strange quest (I can’t remember what, but I think it involved an evil sorceror and dimensional portals and a vacuum…) and we were in this long hallway, and one of Dan’s NPC’s (can’t remember the name) kept saying, in this really whiny voice, "I’m tired! I’m hungry! I’m bleeeeeding!"

"I'll post the soundbite when I move the site. Very nice stories there."

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