Fark.com is a submission based site for funny and/or stupid news articles on the web, much like this site is for AD&D. On April 15th, 2002, around 7:30am Atlantic time, I submitted this link to Fark.com. Automatically, it would be posted on the paysite at totalfark.com, but I never expected it to make the free site. Many were turned away as bandwidth was quickly exceeded. But I hold hope that at least 10% of them will become site regulars and post their stories and ultimately plug my website.
This section is for those people who took the time to post while this link was on the front page of fark.com. If a story came on the form, through email, or posted in the comments section, it eventually ended up here. You can find me on the comment boards at fark under the name chick3_16, which is a slam on Jack T. Chick and his constant quoting of John 3:16. That said, here are the stories in the second permanent shrine put up on this site. Thanks to all farkers who submitted.
Meet the Next Soprano.
The Trouble with Flooders.
Copper + Lightning. You Figure it out.
The Attempted Assassination of the Assassin.
Even Arnold Played a Better Barbarian.
Wider is Worse.
Trying the DMs Patience is Never a Good Idea.
Gotta Involve at Least 1 Robot.
A Quintet of Quickies!
A Tough Initiation
What's AD&D Without Puns?
Evil DMs are best.
Bomb Threats Done Right.
Thief Until the end.
The Butterflies Spell Doom!
You're Skydiving Wheteher you Like it or not!
Why I Hate Frogs.
What was the Druid Smoking?
Have Some Respect for the Dead Damnit!
Newbie Swims With the Dragons.
How a DM can Ruin a Game.
This Sounds Like a Chaotic Neutral Type.
A Story About a Bear and Food.
Steal That Trolls Ring, Chop Chop!
Light the Torch Miguel!
Think Fast! AD&D Style.
One way to Solve a Drinking Problem.
The party had been charged with delivering a message to a powerfull mage that he was going to be killed by a party of rampaging ettins under the control of some giant nasty demon... So the Halfling thief, and the Dwarven fighter go to the mage's tower to deliver the message. The following hilarity ensues:
Dwarf: (Gruff low baltic voice) Sir Wizard! We have a message for you!
Wizard: A message? Is it a telegram?
Dwarf: ...I suppose.
Wizard: Oh my, I love telegrams... is it a singing telegram?
Dwarf: ...(looks at the halfling in confusion)I suppose it could be...
Wizard: (Grinning slyly) Can you sing it soprano?
Dwarf: (Indignantly) Of course not! I'm a dwarf!
Wizard: Sorry, can't listen then...
Halfling: Hold on a minute! (Kicks the dwarf repeatedly in the groin) Now he
can!
Wizard: For joy! I'm listening!
Dwarf: (Sings the telegram in his newly found soprano voice)
"And I'm sure there was more swearing than even HBO would like to hear."
Thanks to: damgenius (DM)
Upon entering the town, the party has its weapons & equipment taken from it (as a "precautionary measure"). They get into the basement of the government building, tricking the guard into letting them in. They go down the long, dark stairs to the basement, discovering more guards having a party in a room at the end of the hall. The equipment rack is between them and the guards, not allowing a view into the room beyond. The party takes everything off the rack they can find, including a bowl of endless water, which they trigger. Knowing the guards will discover the water pretty fast, the party hightails it out of the basement. The water starts to rise, and the guards start to follow the party out of the corridor. The party reaches the top of the steps with about a dozen guards a few yards behind them. They slam the gate shut, break the front door guard's feeble old hip stealing the key, and lock the crew of guards in the basement.
Next morning the news around town is that 12 guards were drowned in the government building the previous night. Party slipped out of town with the townsfolk none the wiser...
"Nice move by your evil players, but I'd keep them out of chat rooms."
Thanks to: Anonymous Orc (Some human mage)
Picture this: An elf with built in weapons a la Wolverine style designed to kill a target. Looks lethal, is lethal. Able to kill most men with one strike. The party he is with consists of a ranger, a couple of fighters, a mage, a cleric, and a skillfull elven archer. As the party is moving through a tunnel, several orcs jump out ahead of them. The elven archer quick draws and shoots... the assassin in the foot.
Several days later, the party is moving along another corridor. The archer is now in front of the assassin. The fighter at the back of the party screams in pain. The archer turns and quick draws... and shoots the assassin in the arse.
The party survives several weeks later, and many frustrating encounters of archer shooting the assassin accidentally, totalling 17 times at this point, from 16 encounters. The party sees a group of goblins ahead but they don't see the party. The assassin sneaks off to get behind them, while the party prepares for combat, including the archer. The archer sees one of the goblins move. He fires long range in high wind. The arrow swerves and hits the hidden character in the arse again. He screams, and suddenly the party is taken by surprise (and laughter).
They move on, and so do we, to a few weeks later. They are searching an old mansion, looking for something or other, when they enter a room with a lurking beholder. It attacks the party, firing rays in different directions, including a polymorph ray, which turns the archer's bow to a shovel. The assassin is happy knowing he can't be shot by another arrow THIS encounter.
The archer throws the shovel at the beholder.....
...and hits the assassin right in the back of the head.
The elf was asked to leave shortly after that...
"I have this advice to offer. Both of you need to get lotto tickets."
Once upon a time there was a human barbarian named Bonan. Bonan was a character name that my friend Carl used many times for different characters, all human barbarians. Most of the Bonans suffered horrible deaths due to his stupidity. Anyway, one particular adventure brought us to an underground cavern complex under a temple of Bane. We were stopped by a huge spike pit blocking access to the next area of the caves. We found a switch that filled the pit with water so that we could feasibly jump in and swim over the spikes. My character went first, an unarmored human monk, jumping off the 20 ft drop into the water filled spike pit. The DM had me make a dexterity check to see if I could abort mu dive and get to the surface before my momentum carried me into the spikes. I made it without a problem and swam across. Next it was Bonan's turn and he lept into the water. Bonan was a 350 lb. barbarian warrior wearing chain mail and carrying about 1,200 gold pieces. Carl reached for his D20 to make the DEX check but the DM waved him off and just rolled damage. He survived the initial impaling on the spikes, barely, but was unable to tear himself free before he simultaneously bled to death and drowned. A minor loss though because soon I happened upon another human barbarian with the exact same stats and the same name, Bonan. (pronounced Bo-non instead of Bo-nan this time).
"Instructions: Make Bonan. Wait till Bonan commits suicide. Make up new pronounciation for Bonan. Repeat."
"Pontiac lied to us all these years, wider isn't better!"
Kender thief:
About 10 years ago in one of the first games we played, our
group was heading down a long dungeon hallway, 8ft tall by 4 ft wide. As we were
walking down we kept asking the DM if we saw anything. The only light we had
was a torch that the cleric was holding. The elves had been separated from us,
so we were taking our time searching the dungeon. As we were walking the DM got
a little annoyed with us constently asking if we saw anything. Then he replies,
"You smell gas." As a group we reply "ok" so we continue on asking as we are
walking along. The DM replies again "You smell gas." Of course we are getting
annoyed by this time with the DM's response, so we continue on. We get a little
further and again ask if we see anything. The DM replies "You smell gas" At
that point one of us speaks up and says, "Yes we know, we know, we smell gas,
but do we see anything?" At that point the DM says a large fireball errupts
where the cleric once stood and spreads throughout the hallway. Most of us survived that one except for the cleric who was a very toasty critter.
"To piss off the DM is one thing, to hold a torch in gas, however caused, is just plain stupid."
This took place in a Nomine campaign, but is still great. We had a guy playing a demon in service to the Prince of Death, and his character was named, very creatively, "Medeath". His single most commonly spoken line was "I NEED A BIGGER WEAPON!" At one point, we're in a cafe when a mysterious gentleman in a sharp suit comes up and starts to talking to my character and my friend's as if he knows us. Seeing as how we both work for Kobal, the Prince of Dark Humor, it should be obvious to anyone that it's our boss, who has a history of appearing in such a subtle fashion. Medeath, for no good reason, starts being rude to Kobal and threatens to rip his head off. Later, in a major celestial battle, we're coolly hanging out with Loki on an overlooking hill, while Kobal has seen to it that Medeath gets thrown into the worst of the fray. Finally realizing what's going on, he turns around and attempts to shoot the Prince of Dark Humor, which only earns him a savage beating with an enchanted halibut that leaves the word "Buckfutter" stamped on him wherever it hits. Medeath eventually gets his physical body killed by charging headfirst into an isolated house where we know that Loki's human son, an obscenely powerful sorceror, is holed up, along with at least ten guards with assault rifles. Kobal sees to it that his new replacement body is a janitorial robot, which the rest of us can turn off whenever he gets annoying (which is about every two minutes).
"I think someone's finally solved the annoying character problem, don't you?"
I have a bad feeling that I shall be known in infamy on your site. I am the, more or less, permanent DM of my little group, and we're a comical lot, no matter how serious we try to be. I have five stories to share with you today.
1) AD&D 2nd Edition:
Same playing session. We were playing a hi-tech campaign where guns
are banned, and most conflict is resolved Xenogears style in big fighting
machines. One of the enemy Mechs critically hit the PC's Mech, and rolled a
'1' on a d100. Yes, that's right, 2 points of damage out of a possible 200.
Pretty pathetic, huh?
3) D&D 3rd Edition:
I was actually a PC for this! My charcter, Ramirez, was hanging around
a bar and a superior officer of the military organization he works for came
up to him and insulted his girlfriend for being of an "inferior breed", and
she challenged me to a duel. Needless to say, she kicked Ramirez's ass so she decided to tag along.
In a later encounter (a 'boss' type, mind you), she was dropped to
negative HP in one round, and Ramirez turned around and handed the monster's
ass back to him in one round (with help from his mage girlfriend, but not much).
Needless to say, he's still making fun of her.
(Ramirez is a level 15 Heraldic Knight - a mix of a fighter and a
mage.)
4) D&D 3rd Edition: Current campaign that is still going on. The main character, Marquis, is a cleric that has a familiar (custom made class). They were fighting the main bad guy in an airship duel, a'la Skies of Arcadia, and his cat decided to do some attacking. Marquis fired the ship's special cannon that deals a butt load of damage, and did around the neighborhood of 110 damage to the enemy's Wyvern. The cat turns around, critically hits for 5x damage, and does 120+ damage (I think it was around 130, actually). Sad thing is - the cat was the one who got the final blow, as the Wyvern had a lofty 1500 hp.
5) D&D 3rd Edition (Oriental Adventures): Classic party of a Rouge and a Wu-Jen. The party is trying to gain an audience with the new empress, so the Rouge strolls over and starts ghetto-talking the guards. The Wu Jen promptly trots up, being the noble he is, flashes his clan sign, and says: "Yeah, the servant is with me." They apologize - to the Wu Jen - and let them both in.
"Got a long way to go to beat Eric Dieter, but it's a start."
He rolled the die..."You're a female."
He rolled the die again..."You're an elf."
He rolled it again..."You're naked."
Well, as awful as all that was, I learned my lesson...don't screw with the DM...(and, I'm not cool).
"Nobody who plays D&D is cool. Doing a website about it is even worse."
Saw your site on FARK, and I have a great story to tell...
Our characters were staying in what turned out to be a haunted house. What we
didn't realize was that the "people" inside the house were ghosts too, and they
relived their last day of life each day. So, when we saw the butler get
murdered, and then he showed up the next morning knocking on our bedroom door,
two of the guys I was playing with FREAKED. They knocked over a table and hid
behind it, broke off a leg from it and sharpened it into a stake, apparently
assuming that the guy was a vampire for some reason. When he finally stopped
knocking and instead unlocked the door and came in to ask us what we wanted for
breakfast, he got a stake through the heart, and apparently died again.
And I, of course, quipped, "So, we're having stake and eggs, then?"
To this day, it's known as the "Stake and Eggs incident."
"Stake and eggs in a stakeout. Sounds like fun."
Thanks to: Kevin, the customer support guy
We're currently playing a campaign where the PCs are monsters. Looks very promising.
"Snoochy Boochie? With a name that bad, the spell's gotta be good."
We were playing Cyberpunk... A friend of mine (we shall call him 'Dave') was roleplaying for the first time ever. Anyways, to cut a long story short, we all ended up in in the building we had to infiltrate, except Dave. Dave got caught by the patrol coming around. Now, remember that this is his first time playing the game...
patrol: put your hands in the air!
Dave: I shout 'ARM BOMB!', then throw myself to the ground and start making
beeping noises
We were in stitches (he had no bomb, it was entirely ad-libbed). The DM was so amused that the patrol decided to back off, and Dave scarpered.
"Well done Dave, I suspect you'll turn out alright.
"Greed is a funny thing in AD&D. Everyone has it but the true idiots let it get to them."
"We're gnomes, right brother? we can pilot a mere airship. Oh my, it seems we have lost the bard..."
"And on that day, two gnomish brothers opened the very first skydiving school."
Thanks to: Jesse the Horrible Thief
P.S.
I now hate low level thieves and all things frog/crab-like.
"But I love hearing about them though"
At the start of the adventure my character, Qobalt the Illustrious Level One Illusionist, was walking alone on a path through the forest on his way to the local inn. It was near sundown and the DM informed me that I could hear something grunting and huffing up the path from behind. It was slashing at twigs and trees and cursing in what I could tell was the twisted speech of goblinkind. I knew I could not outrun a goblin in the woods so I turned, faced towards the approaching goblin, then cast the only spell I had memorized: Phantasmal Force. I created an illusion of a large wolfhound by my side. When the goblin rounded the bend it was surprised to see a tall mage and a huge dog prepared to fight. The goblin shrieked and ran off into the woods. Not wasting any time I turned and fled up the path and out of the woods, arriving at an inn where I met up with some other adventurers. Two days later Qobalt and Party was attacked by a pack of wild dogs led by an angry druid, screaming we would pay dearly for destroying his illegal crop of hallucinogenic wayweed. The rest of the party survived the encounter but Qobalt was torn to shreds trying to fight off two dogs with a common dagger.
"Must have been good stuff. I wonder if he'll ever figure out it was me."
Human Monk
This is a shining example of what happens when you have five experienced
players, and one newbie. The rest of us had chosen well-rounded characters. I
decided to play a monk chef. (there was a joke about me and Steven Segall at the
time.) The newbie played a human sorceror, who spent feats to learn how to use a
scythe. Anyway, we're all at this fort, and we get attacked by wolves.
Literally half of the NPC population goes down, and it takes all of the party
working together, minus the newbie who hid in a beer barrel, to fight them off.
When the battle is over, our newbie gets out, loots a costume shop for a black
cloak that obscures his mask in the middle of us roleplaying out our sadness and
prayers and such. He stands next to the dead. The DM had a guard beat the hell
out of him, screaming, "Have some respect for the dead!". Later on, he was
patrolling the walls dressed in his cloak with his scythe. We conned our
half-orc into thinking that when he saw a shimmer of light,
he should chase it. Well, the sorceror's scythe gleamed, and the orc literally
plowed into him, and flung him into the forest.
I think it's amusing.
"Trust me, you're not the only one."
"Can't say our newbie died in vain, but from what I've seen, nudity equals doom."
Human Fighter
I'd never played D&D (DM insisted on 3rd ed) before (I'd only been gaming a
year, mostly BESM) and this guy I know wanted to run a game. So it was me, a
friend of mine who had a bad experience his first D&D campaign, and another
friend of ours who was an experienced gamer (having been playing D&D since it
initially came out). Now, the first couple of games went really really well and
we had a lot of fun, with the two more experienced players watching my back and
covering for my rookie mistakes. It was a really good game.
Then the DM brought in these two guys none of us knew, who claimed to be experienced players, but really didn't seem to have a clue. And things went straight to Hades. After a few really really awful situations (I wound up with a cursed mark, and the true experienced player now GLOWED IN THE DARK), we wound up in a dense forest. So dense, apparently, that the sunlight could not penetrate the canopy. A group of giant spiders attacked the party, one falling directly onto my head. I didn't have a chance, but not on account of failed roles: see, the GM ruled that the spider was both grappling my helmet AND scurrying around my head at the EXACT SAME TIME.
Seeing this as the final straw, my two buddies turned and killed the other two party members, I finally managed to get the spider off me, we looted the bodies and ran off. Game over.
Sadly I haven't played since.
"Idiots plus DM equals one unsatisfied customer. I hope you play again soon."
We had a five person group adventuring through some caves at some point in my high school years. One of the five was a Halfling thief. This disturbing individual playing the thief has a habit of "spicing" up the adventure from within the party. He has, for the record, directly caused delays in our games by his shennanigans. Once, he tied a dagger attached to a long string around the ankle of a fighter garbed in plate mail. Every time the fighter moved down the unlit corridor mysterious grating sounds appeared from behind causing the party to turn and freeze. This went on for about 20 minutes. He also decided that silver arrow heads were far better off in his pouch than on arrows. During a camping session, on his watch, he decided to neatly cut all the silver heads off and return the arrows to the quiver of his "ally." The next day when we were confronted by some Were-creature our archer fires a critical hit...with an arrow with no head. Very nice...tales from the floating thief.
"I hope he sold them for a good price. That is, if you survived."
"Well he eventually woke up, didn't he?"
"So, who's going to get Dain's four finger discount next?"
Can't say that I was present for this one, but ...
I joined a Planescape game some two years ago when I moved up to Seattle. One
of the other PCs was running a necromancer named Miguel. The campaign had a
number of running gags. For example, we found ourselves fairly often at the
dwarven mountain citadel, and it was _always_ sunrise, with the light gleaming
poetically off of the enormous gates. But the most famous of these involved
Miguel's untimely and ignominous death some few months before I arrived.
It seems that the party had stepped through a gate into total blackness. The
floor was rough stone, and there was a bit of a draft. A large natural cavern of
some sort. The necromancer was the first to act; given that he was human and
couldn't see in the dark, he grabbed a torch from his backpack.
The cave, needless to say, was full of giant bats who panicked at the sudden
flare and swarmed him.
To this day, "Light the torch, Miguel!" is our call at the game table whenever
the party needs light.
"I don't know what it is about torches, but they always produce funny deaths."
We had this one player that wasn't great at thinking on his toes.
The DM was bored one day so he decided we could play an uber campaign. He gaves
us the choice of lots of cool stuff. Anyways, what happened was that there was a big war
going on and we were all soldiers in the army. Our first duty was
was to fight this horible creature in a castle.
We go there and fight some uber monster. We tangle with it and then it goes away.
Then we are facing an evil lich holding a sceptre. He handed it to
Mr. Slow thinker who said "I take it". The whole group was laughing for like 30
minutes after the DM asked him to roll his saves vs the cursed septure.
A side note: The DM pulled that trick on him before but not in such a humorous situation :)
"Remember this. Don't take anything offered by strangers...except money."