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April 15th, 2002, the day Farkers came to me.

Farkers Index is a submission based site for funny and/or stupid news articles on the web, much like this site is for AD&D. On April 15th, 2002, around 7:30am Atlantic time, I submitted this link to Automatically, it would be posted on the paysite at, but I never expected it to make the free site. Many were turned away as bandwidth was quickly exceeded. But I hold hope that at least 10% of them will become site regulars and post their stories and ultimately plug my website.

This section is for those people who took the time to post while this link was on the front page of If a story came on the form, through email, or posted in the comments section, it eventually ended up here. You can find me on the comment boards at fark under the name chick3_16, which is a slam on Jack T. Chick and his constant quoting of John 3:16. That said, here are the stories in the second permanent shrine put up on this site. Thanks to all farkers who submitted.

Meet the Next Soprano.
The Trouble with Flooders.
Copper + Lightning. You Figure it out.
The Attempted Assassination of the Assassin.
Even Arnold Played a Better Barbarian.
Wider is Worse.
Trying the DMs Patience is Never a Good Idea.
Gotta Involve at Least 1 Robot.
A Quintet of Quickies!
A Tough Initiation
What's AD&D Without Puns?
Evil DMs are best.
Bomb Threats Done Right.
Thief Until the end.
The Butterflies Spell Doom!
You're Skydiving Wheteher you Like it or not!
Why I Hate Frogs.
What was the Druid Smoking?
Have Some Respect for the Dead Damnit!
Newbie Swims With the Dragons.
How a DM can Ruin a Game.
This Sounds Like a Chaotic Neutral Type.
A Story About a Bear and Food.
Steal That Trolls Ring, Chop Chop!
Light the Torch Miguel!
Think Fast! AD&D Style.
One way to Solve a Drinking Problem.

Meet the Next Soprano

Thanks to: Kinson Halfmoon

The party had been charged with delivering a message to a powerfull mage that he was going to be killed by a party of rampaging ettins under the control of some giant nasty demon... So the Halfling thief, and the Dwarven fighter go to the mage's tower to deliver the message. The following hilarity ensues:

Dwarf: (Gruff low baltic voice) Sir Wizard! We have a message for you!
Wizard: A message? Is it a telegram?
Dwarf: ...I suppose.
Wizard: Oh my, I love telegrams... is it a singing telegram?
Dwarf: ...(looks at the halfling in confusion)I suppose it could be...
Wizard: (Grinning slyly) Can you sing it soprano?
Dwarf: (Indignantly) Of course not! I'm a dwarf!
Wizard: Sorry, can't listen then...
Halfling: Hold on a minute! (Kicks the dwarf repeatedly in the groin) Now he can!
Wizard: For joy! I'm listening!
Dwarf: (Sings the telegram in his newly found soprano voice)

"And I'm sure there was more swearing than even HBO would like to hear."


The Trouble with Flooders

Thanks to: damgenius (DM)

Upon entering the town, the party has its weapons & equipment taken from it (as a "precautionary measure"). They get into the basement of the government building, tricking the guard into letting them in. They go down the long, dark stairs to the basement, discovering more guards having a party in a room at the end of the hall. The equipment rack is between them and the guards, not allowing a view into the room beyond. The party takes everything off the rack they can find, including a bowl of endless water, which they trigger. Knowing the guards will discover the water pretty fast, the party hightails it out of the basement. The water starts to rise, and the guards start to follow the party out of the corridor. The party reaches the top of the steps with about a dozen guards a few yards behind them. They slam the gate shut, break the front door guard's feeble old hip stealing the key, and lock the crew of guards in the basement.

Next morning the news around town is that 12 guards were drowned in the government building the previous night. Party slipped out of town with the townsfolk none the wiser...

"Nice move by your evil players, but I'd keep them out of chat rooms."


Copper + Lightning. You Figure it out.

Thanks to: Anonymous Orc (Some human mage)

This event happened years ago, but we still make fun of my friend for it. He walked into a copper room, and he found that if he thought of a type of weather, it would happen in the room. So, he thought of a sunny day, and the room became bright and sunny. Then he thought of snow, and it began to snow. He thought of rain and it rained. Then he decided to think of a thunderstorm. He forgot that he was in a copper room, and so, needless to say, he was blown out of the room by a giant lightning bolt.
(When we saw the X-men movie, he was with us, and we brought up that adventure when the heroes are trapped in the Statue of Liberty, which is made of copper, and Storm can't use her lightning powers.)

"The ultimate insult I say."


The Attempted Assassination of the Assassin.

Thanks to: Bear

Picture this: An elf with built in weapons a la Wolverine style designed to kill a target. Looks lethal, is lethal. Able to kill most men with one strike. The party he is with consists of a ranger, a couple of fighters, a mage, a cleric, and a skillfull elven archer. As the party is moving through a tunnel, several orcs jump out ahead of them. The elven archer quick draws and shoots... the assassin in the foot.

Several days later, the party is moving along another corridor. The archer is now in front of the assassin. The fighter at the back of the party screams in pain. The archer turns and quick draws... and shoots the assassin in the arse.

The party survives several weeks later, and many frustrating encounters of archer shooting the assassin accidentally, totalling 17 times at this point, from 16 encounters. The party sees a group of goblins ahead but they don't see the party. The assassin sneaks off to get behind them, while the party prepares for combat, including the archer. The archer sees one of the goblins move. He fires long range in high wind. The arrow swerves and hits the hidden character in the arse again. He screams, and suddenly the party is taken by surprise (and laughter).

They move on, and so do we, to a few weeks later. They are searching an old mansion, looking for something or other, when they enter a room with a lurking beholder. It attacks the party, firing rays in different directions, including a polymorph ray, which turns the archer's bow to a shovel. The assassin is happy knowing he can't be shot by another arrow THIS encounter.

The archer throws the shovel at the beholder.....
...and hits the assassin right in the back of the head.
The elf was asked to leave shortly after that...

"I have this advice to offer. Both of you need to get lotto tickets."


Even Arnold Played a Better Barbarian.

Thanks to: Adam

Once upon a time there was a human barbarian named Bonan. Bonan was a character name that my friend Carl used many times for different characters, all human barbarians. Most of the Bonans suffered horrible deaths due to his stupidity. Anyway, one particular adventure brought us to an underground cavern complex under a temple of Bane. We were stopped by a huge spike pit blocking access to the next area of the caves. We found a switch that filled the pit with water so that we could feasibly jump in and swim over the spikes. My character went first, an unarmored human monk, jumping off the 20 ft drop into the water filled spike pit. The DM had me make a dexterity check to see if I could abort mu dive and get to the surface before my momentum carried me into the spikes. I made it without a problem and swam across. Next it was Bonan's turn and he lept into the water. Bonan was a 350 lb. barbarian warrior wearing chain mail and carrying about 1,200 gold pieces. Carl reached for his D20 to make the DEX check but the DM waved him off and just rolled damage. He survived the initial impaling on the spikes, barely, but was unable to tear himself free before he simultaneously bled to death and drowned. A minor loss though because soon I happened upon another human barbarian with the exact same stats and the same name, Bonan. (pronounced Bo-non instead of Bo-nan this time).

"Instructions: Make Bonan. Wait till Bonan commits suicide. Make up new pronounciation for Bonan. Repeat."


Wider is Worse

Thanks to: Darkmayo

The first time I had ever played AD&D with an experienced group. It was a humorous distaster. I had rolled up a Human bard and rolled quite well ending up with 17 DEX and other fairly decent stats. We were added to the ongoing quest midway through so we had no idea what had went on previously. So we were in a keep that was overrun with Hobgoblins and we were liberated from our prison, myself and a paladin. after a hard fought battle where the paladin dove onto the roof and crashed through and died, and the other new players being stupid and dying, I decided to cut my losses and get the hell out of there. Down twisting tunnels I ran past corpses of hobgoblins that were killed earlier, finally reaching a long pit spanned by two wooded boards stacked one on top of each other. For some reason I thought it was strange that there was 2 boards on top of each other so I removed one and placed it next to the other plank to make it wider (wider is better right???). So I make my way across.. ooohhhh the first board seems to be half illusionary.. uh oh.. well my high DEX will save me.. hahahaha 17 DEX easy saving throw easy throw.. rolls the die .. 20.. poop!.. arrgghhhh Crack!! Damn, those 1st level bards don't take a long fall very well...

"Pontiac lied to us all these years, wider isn't better!"


Trying the DMs Patience is Never a Good Idea.

Thanks to: Trappy

Kender thief:
About 10 years ago in one of the first games we played, our group was heading down a long dungeon hallway, 8ft tall by 4 ft wide. As we were walking down we kept asking the DM if we saw anything. The only light we had was a torch that the cleric was holding. The elves had been separated from us, so we were taking our time searching the dungeon. As we were walking the DM got a little annoyed with us constently asking if we saw anything. Then he replies, "You smell gas." As a group we reply "ok" so we continue on asking as we are walking along. The DM replies again "You smell gas." Of course we are getting annoyed by this time with the DM's response, so we continue on. We get a little further and again ask if we see anything. The DM replies "You smell gas" At that point one of us speaks up and says, "Yes we know, we know, we smell gas, but do we see anything?" At that point the DM says a large fireball errupts where the cleric once stood and spreads throughout the hallway. Most of us survived that one except for the cleric who was a very toasty critter.

"To piss off the DM is one thing, to hold a torch in gas, however caused, is just plain stupid."


Gotta Involve at Least 1 Robot.

Thanks to: Santiago

This took place in a Nomine campaign, but is still great. We had a guy playing a demon in service to the Prince of Death, and his character was named, very creatively, "Medeath". His single most commonly spoken line was "I NEED A BIGGER WEAPON!" At one point, we're in a cafe when a mysterious gentleman in a sharp suit comes up and starts to talking to my character and my friend's as if he knows us. Seeing as how we both work for Kobal, the Prince of Dark Humor, it should be obvious to anyone that it's our boss, who has a history of appearing in such a subtle fashion. Medeath, for no good reason, starts being rude to Kobal and threatens to rip his head off. Later, in a major celestial battle, we're coolly hanging out with Loki on an overlooking hill, while Kobal has seen to it that Medeath gets thrown into the worst of the fray. Finally realizing what's going on, he turns around and attempts to shoot the Prince of Dark Humor, which only earns him a savage beating with an enchanted halibut that leaves the word "Buckfutter" stamped on him wherever it hits. Medeath eventually gets his physical body killed by charging headfirst into an isolated house where we know that Loki's human son, an obscenely powerful sorceror, is holed up, along with at least ten guards with assault rifles. Kobal sees to it that his new replacement body is a janitorial robot, which the rest of us can turn off whenever he gets annoying (which is about every two minutes).

"I think someone's finally solved the annoying character problem, don't you?"


A Quintet of Quickies!

Thanks to: Kijin no Shi

I have a bad feeling that I shall be known in infamy on your site. I am the, more or less, permanent DM of my little group, and we're a comical lot, no matter how serious we try to be. I have five stories to share with you today.

1) AD&D 2nd Edition: 2) AD&D 2nd Edition:
Same playing session. We were playing a hi-tech campaign where guns are banned, and most conflict is resolved Xenogears style in big fighting machines. One of the enemy Mechs critically hit the PC's Mech, and rolled a '1' on a d100. Yes, that's right, 2 points of damage out of a possible 200. Pretty pathetic, huh?

3) D&D 3rd Edition:
I was actually a PC for this! My charcter, Ramirez, was hanging around a bar and a superior officer of the military organization he works for came up to him and insulted his girlfriend for being of an "inferior breed", and she challenged me to a duel. Needless to say, she kicked Ramirez's ass so she decided to tag along. In a later encounter (a 'boss' type, mind you), she was dropped to negative HP in one round, and Ramirez turned around and handed the monster's ass back to him in one round (with help from his mage girlfriend, but not much). Needless to say, he's still making fun of her.
(Ramirez is a level 15 Heraldic Knight - a mix of a fighter and a mage.)

4) D&D 3rd Edition: Current campaign that is still going on. The main character, Marquis, is a cleric that has a familiar (custom made class). They were fighting the main bad guy in an airship duel, a'la Skies of Arcadia, and his cat decided to do some attacking. Marquis fired the ship's special cannon that deals a butt load of damage, and did around the neighborhood of 110 damage to the enemy's Wyvern. The cat turns around, critically hits for 5x damage, and does 120+ damage (I think it was around 130, actually). Sad thing is - the cat was the one who got the final blow, as the Wyvern had a lofty 1500 hp.

5) D&D 3rd Edition (Oriental Adventures): Classic party of a Rouge and a Wu-Jen. The party is trying to gain an audience with the new empress, so the Rouge strolls over and starts ghetto-talking the guards. The Wu Jen promptly trots up, being the noble he is, flashes his clan sign, and says: "Yeah, the servant is with me." They apologize - to the Wu Jen - and let them both in.

"Got a long way to go to beat Eric Dieter, but it's a start."


A Tough Initiation

Thanks to: Anonymous Orc

This was the first time I tried to play D&D. I saw the lil' geeks hang out and play it every day, and in my hopes to be cool in high school I asked the DM if I could join in. He knew I knew squat about the game and the dm SO took advantage of that. He called this a "quick game" to get me started.

He rolled the die..."You're a female."

He rolled the die again..."You're an elf."

He rolled it again..."You're naked."

Well to make a long story short, when I tried to knock on a door in the town I started in the first house I came to, a nice couple answered the door...who as soon as I was in the house took their costumes off, raped me, collected my vaginajuice in a big jar, made my character drink it, and put a magic dildo in me that dragged me down a well.

Well, as awful as all that was, I learned my lesson...don't screw with the DM...(and, I'm not cool).

"Nobody who plays D&D is cool. Doing a website about it is even worse."


What's AD&D Without Puns?

Thanks to: The Heartburn Kid

Saw your site on FARK, and I have a great story to tell...

Our characters were staying in what turned out to be a haunted house. What we didn't realize was that the "people" inside the house were ghosts too, and they relived their last day of life each day. So, when we saw the butler get murdered, and then he showed up the next morning knocking on our bedroom door, two of the guys I was playing with FREAKED. They knocked over a table and hid behind it, broke off a leg from it and sharpened it into a stake, apparently assuming that the guy was a vampire for some reason. When he finally stopped knocking and instead unlocked the door and came in to ask us what we wanted for breakfast, he got a stake through the heart, and apparently died again. And I, of course, quipped, "So, we're having stake and eggs, then?"
To this day, it's known as the "Stake and Eggs incident."

"Stake and eggs in a stakeout. Sounds like fun."


Evil DMs are Best

Thanks to: Kevin, the customer support guy

Tome of Horrors Campaign For those of you that are familiar with this dungeon, you will no doubt remember the tilting corridor that leads down into a lake of lava. I(DM) was having a good time with the campaign already by the time the PCs reached said trap. This just made it better. The trap works like this. Once you get about 50 feet down the corridor, it causes the corridor to tilt the way you came tilting up, and the way you were going tilt down, causing the PC's to fall rapidly towards a lake of lava. They get to the trap and as they're sliding down towards the lake of lava they very intelligently use a cloak of the arachna to throw a very powerful web spell across the walls of the hallway to prevent them from falling farther. As they're stuck in this web, feeling the heat slowly sap their strength, the wizard Dark Bolt comes up with this great idea! He'll put out whatever fire is making the heat with a wall of ice. So he quickly creates the wall of ice on the other side of the web and watches it slide rapidly down the corridor till it vanishes over the edge and drops into the lava. Problem 1... Lots of Ice + Lots of lava = Insane amounts of super heated steam, perfect for cleaning the flesh off of unsuspecting players. Getting ready to torch them all I watch in amazment (I was giving them 1 minute before the steam reached them, but didn't tell them it was coming) as another PC (A Paladin, Tiarnon Truehart) backhands the mage and tells him to expect steam. The mage then creates a wall of steel to stop the steam from reaching them. Hmmm... Small Corridor + Large block of steel + Lots of super heated steam = Gun. So in great panic when the paladin backhands the mage again, he throws up a wall of force and manages to avert complete death.. for now.

Later in this same campaign, the PCs had just destroyed the fake lich. A powerful illusion of the building starting to collapse around them occurs. Noone thinks it's an illusion. The same mage Dark Bolt had just the thing planned for this type of event and uses his chain contingency spell he had all planned out, "Snoochy Boochie."
Snoochy Boochie does this:

1)Delayed Blast fireball(delayed 3 rounds)
2)Delayed Blast fireball(delayed 2 rounds)
3)Group Teleport(teleports back to Dark Bolt's Tower)
4)Fireballs go off, destroying whatever they ran from for next time.

In theory this was a great plan he had set out to do. Unfortunatly teleports don't work in the tome. So while grinning very very evilly, I tell them... "You feel the magic of your teleport spell take hold, and you find yourself.... In the same spot. Teleports don't work in the Tome of Horrors!"
The mage stared blankly at me, while the paladin was drawing his sword to scewer the mage in a very unpaladin like way when the blasts went off, which ended up causing a very real collapse of that section of the tome. Ahhh the joys of being the DM.

We're currently playing a campaign where the PCs are monsters. Looks very promising.

"Snoochy Boochie? With a name that bad, the spell's gotta be good."


Bomb Threat Done Right.

Thanks to: DjArcas

We were playing Cyberpunk... A friend of mine (we shall call him 'Dave') was roleplaying for the first time ever. Anyways, to cut a long story short, we all ended up in in the building we had to infiltrate, except Dave. Dave got caught by the patrol coming around. Now, remember that this is his first time playing the game...

patrol: put your hands in the air!
Dave: I shout 'ARM BOMB!', then throw myself to the ground and start making beeping noises

We were in stitches (he had no bomb, it was entirely ad-libbed). The DM was so amused that the patrol decided to back off, and Dave scarpered.

"Well done Dave, I suspect you'll turn out alright.


Thief Until the End.

Thanks to: Cedric Valentine

In one game I played, there was this really annoying PC ranger (6th level), we'll call him Thunder. He bugged everyone. In one adventure, we killed a few giants and looked around their lair and we came across a sword. Thunder completely ignored it. A wizard cast detect magic and found it was magical. Once Thunder heard that, he started whining and bitching about getting the sword. The wizard ignored him and gave the sword to another PC dwarf fighter (1st level) because the dwarf was under the employment of the wizard.

Later on, the party is caught off guard by a band of brigands. The wizard casts a sleep spell, forgetting that many of the PCs were 1st level (me and the dwarf fighter with the magical sword among them). So instead of getting the brigands, the idiot wizard got half the party to sleep. Anyway, the rest of the party except Thunder's ranger got struck down by the brigands and Thunder was able to kill of the rest of the brigands. Now Thunder is the only conscious person and he sees the dwarf with the sword sleeping. He decides to steal the sword, but that isn't enough. He also decides to kick the dwarf really hard. This wakes up the dwarf and he sees the ranger with HIS sword standing over him. The dwarf grabs his ax and attacks. He rolls a critical and cuts off the ranger's leg. The ranger still attacks even though he's bleeding to death. The ranger ended up dying and the player quit. We all rejoiced.

"Greed is a funny thing in AD&D. Everyone has it but the true idiots let it get to them."


The Butterflies Spell Doom!

Thanks to: Belden

Halfling Mage
One night, our adventuring party came across a bandit encampment as we were travelling. Before we could deploy to attack, our party mage who was less than impressive in the wisdom department, decided to fire off a series of magic missiles. However, when he attempted to do so, he was astounded to see a stream of butterflies shoot out of his finger instead of magic missiles. We later found out this region had some sort of enchantment on it which randomized spell effects. Thinking this was a rather funny effect, he aimed his next 'magic missile' at the party, thinking this would astound us as well. Well, this time it was not butterflies that shot out of his fingers but a number of fireballs instead. The resulting blast incinerated our entire party, including our brilliant mage. We could only wonder what the bandits thought of the huge blast, probably looking like a mini-nuke detonated on the road a ways from their camp. Needless to say, we no longer let that player play any class with a spell casting capability....

"You mean you actually trust this player with a WEAPON? As a rule, never attack your party for any reason. It's just common sense."


You're Skydiving Whether you Like it or not!

Thanks to: entevu

Elven fighter
My party was traveling on a gnomish airship when the pilot got mysteriously ill. Not able to control the helm, the pilot fell onto the deck in pain. Our 2 gnomish wizards decided to try their hand at piloting. They managed to bank the ship hard enough to throw our bard overboard which caused our rogue to grab a rope and go after him. Our ranger grabbed the rope, for it was NOT tied down, and was pulled off the ship was well. Then the gnomish brothers decided to make a rescue attempt, and tried to turn the boat around. In doing so, myself and our other fighter flew off the boat. luckily, I had a feather fall potion and I drank it, holding onto the other fighter. We drifted for a little while but in the end, the cleric "wind walked" to save us all and get us back on the boat.

"We're gnomes, right brother? we can pilot a mere airship. Oh my, it seems we have lost the bard..."

"And on that day, two gnomish brothers opened the very first skydiving school."


Why I Hate Frogs

Thanks to: Jesse the Horrible Thief

Once upon a time...
I played the Barney Fife of thieves. Our adventure started at first level, so of course my thieving skills were not exactly up to snuff. After I was almost killed by the gigantic frogs (that I would have detected if I didn't suck), I climbed a tree to get our bearings. I then fell out of said tree, and on my way down crashed into a hornets nest.
Later in the dungeon my character was the one that chose to wade hip deep into the mysterious pool that had what appeared to be some type of treasure on the bottom. I was then devoured by a crustacean.

The End

I now hate low level thieves and all things frog/crab-like.

"But I love hearing about them though"


What was the Druid Smoking?

Thanks to: BDery

At the start of the adventure my character, Qobalt the Illustrious Level One Illusionist, was walking alone on a path through the forest on his way to the local inn. It was near sundown and the DM informed me that I could hear something grunting and huffing up the path from behind. It was slashing at twigs and trees and cursing in what I could tell was the twisted speech of goblinkind. I knew I could not outrun a goblin in the woods so I turned, faced towards the approaching goblin, then cast the only spell I had memorized: Phantasmal Force. I created an illusion of a large wolfhound by my side. When the goblin rounded the bend it was surprised to see a tall mage and a huge dog prepared to fight. The goblin shrieked and ran off into the woods. Not wasting any time I turned and fled up the path and out of the woods, arriving at an inn where I met up with some other adventurers. Two days later Qobalt and Party was attacked by a pack of wild dogs led by an angry druid, screaming we would pay dearly for destroying his illegal crop of hallucinogenic wayweed. The rest of the party survived the encounter but Qobalt was torn to shreds trying to fight off two dogs with a common dagger.

"Must have been good stuff. I wonder if he'll ever figure out it was me."


Have Some Respect for the Dead Damnit!

Thanks to: Citron Rochell

Human Monk
This is a shining example of what happens when you have five experienced players, and one newbie. The rest of us had chosen well-rounded characters. I decided to play a monk chef. (there was a joke about me and Steven Segall at the time.) The newbie played a human sorceror, who spent feats to learn how to use a scythe. Anyway, we're all at this fort, and we get attacked by wolves. Literally half of the NPC population goes down, and it takes all of the party working together, minus the newbie who hid in a beer barrel, to fight them off. When the battle is over, our newbie gets out, loots a costume shop for a black cloak that obscures his mask in the middle of us roleplaying out our sadness and prayers and such. He stands next to the dead. The DM had a guard beat the hell out of him, screaming, "Have some respect for the dead!". Later on, he was patrolling the walls dressed in his cloak with his scythe. We conned our half-orc into thinking that when he saw a shimmer of light, he should chase it. Well, the sorceror's scythe gleamed, and the orc literally plowed into him, and flung him into the forest.

I think it's amusing.

"Trust me, you're not the only one."


Newbie Swims With the Dragons

Thanks to: Stephen D.

This is from a session I DM'd a while back. The characters had been exploring a system of underground caverns when they came to a large underground lake. It just so happened that the lake was connected to a nearby swamp through an underwater tunnel, which allowed a Black Dragon to make an island in the middle of the cavern into her lair. As everyone knows, black dragons are just at home in water as in air, so she slips into the water when she hears the PCs approaching. The characters walk to the shoreline of the lake, and, using darkvision (infravision, whatever) since they're underground, can barely make out piles of treasure on the far shore. While they all stand around talking about the best way to get at the goodies, the dragon attacks with her breath weapon from the safety of the water. For the next few rounds the dragon would hop out to slash a little then run back to the water to use her breath weapon again. Since the dragon had been concentrating on bringing down the hit points of the groups fighters, the sorcerer decides that it doesn't see him as much of a threat. This PC was a bit lower in level than the rest of the party and didn't have very many spells that he thought would be useful in the fight. Well, he gets the idea in his head that there must be some magic items in the dragon's hoard which would increase his abil ity to help the party in combat. After checking his swim skill, which was virtually non-existent, he decides that the only way to safely get across would be to strip off all his clothes and gear to lower his weight and make it easier to swim the 50 feet or so. In the end, he gets about halfway across with his swim speed of 15 when the dragon with her speed of 60 in the water catches up to him. The party eventually killed the dragon, leaving a pile of equipment on the bank of the lake as the only evidence of the third character in as many weeks that this person had killed.

"Can't say our newbie died in vain, but from what I've seen, nudity equals doom."


How a DM can Ruin a Game.

Thanks to: Shade

Human Fighter
I'd never played D&D (DM insisted on 3rd ed) before (I'd only been gaming a year, mostly BESM) and this guy I know wanted to run a game. So it was me, a friend of mine who had a bad experience his first D&D campaign, and another friend of ours who was an experienced gamer (having been playing D&D since it initially came out). Now, the first couple of games went really really well and we had a lot of fun, with the two more experienced players watching my back and covering for my rookie mistakes. It was a really good game.

Then the DM brought in these two guys none of us knew, who claimed to be experienced players, but really didn't seem to have a clue. And things went straight to Hades. After a few really really awful situations (I wound up with a cursed mark, and the true experienced player now GLOWED IN THE DARK), we wound up in a dense forest. So dense, apparently, that the sunlight could not penetrate the canopy. A group of giant spiders attacked the party, one falling directly onto my head. I didn't have a chance, but not on account of failed roles: see, the GM ruled that the spider was both grappling my helmet AND scurrying around my head at the EXACT SAME TIME.

Seeing this as the final straw, my two buddies turned and killed the other two party members, I finally managed to get the spider off me, we looted the bodies and ran off. Game over.

Sadly I haven't played since.

"Idiots plus DM equals one unsatisfied customer. I hope you play again soon."


This Sounds Like a Chaotic Neutral Type.

Thanks to: Matt

We had a five person group adventuring through some caves at some point in my high school years. One of the five was a Halfling thief. This disturbing individual playing the thief has a habit of "spicing" up the adventure from within the party. He has, for the record, directly caused delays in our games by his shennanigans. Once, he tied a dagger attached to a long string around the ankle of a fighter garbed in plate mail. Every time the fighter moved down the unlit corridor mysterious grating sounds appeared from behind causing the party to turn and freeze. This went on for about 20 minutes. He also decided that silver arrow heads were far better off in his pouch than on arrows. During a camping session, on his watch, he decided to neatly cut all the silver heads off and return the arrows to the quiver of his "ally." The next day when we were confronted by some Were-creature our archer fires a critical hit...with an arrow with no head. Very nice...tales from the floating thief.

"I hope he sold them for a good price. That is, if you survived."


A Story About a Bear and Food.

Thanks to: Drush the Elf

Elven Mage/thief
One of my worst flaws, many years ago, was to say things I didn't really mean, and my DM would interpret them as gospel. I got better, but one time, my faux pax proved fatal. We had been adventuring for quite a while -- out and about in the woods and caves throughout the land. We were battered and bruised, our cleric was in a bag awaiting a return to town for a Raise Dead spell, and we had no healing left. Our DM realized that it had been a long time since we last had reprovisioned, and asked us how much food we had when we left the last town. After doing some calculations, Our DM realized we had been out of food for about a week. Since he had missed this little point prior to this time, he didn't start taking away hit points retroactively, but he would start taking them away at 1 point a day for every day we couldn't find food. Well, mighty adventurers we were, but no one among us had a hunting pack and we went three days before finding any food.

On the second day, our team leader, a Monk, fell unconscious from lack of food. On the third day, we found a bear and killed it. When we brought the Bear back to the campsite, I was worried about our team leader choking on food in his comatose state. So, I said, "Well, I'll feed him when he wakes up."

Needless to say, when we got to town, we had to pay for two raise dead spells for our cleric and our now dead team leader.

"Well he eventually woke up, didn't he?"


Steal That Troll's Ring, Chop Chop!

Thanks to: Nick

Dain, a halfling thief, had just finished battling two trolls outside of their lair with his two human companions. Dain was uninjured because his modus operandi was to shoot his bow and run if anyone came after him. While looting the cave that the trolls lived in, Dain came across a magical ring which he secretly hid from his companions. Later, Dain found some privacy while supposedly hunting for game in order to try on his new ring. Dain, of course, had no idea what kind of magical ring this ring he had found was. He slipped it on his left ring finger and Poof! The ring contracted and sliced his finger clean off. Needless to say, his companions were highly amused and took to calling him "Nine Finger..."

"So, who's going to get Dain's four finger discount next?"


Light the Torch Miguel!

Thanks to: Baxil

Can't say that I was present for this one, but ...
I joined a Planescape game some two years ago when I moved up to Seattle. One of the other PCs was running a necromancer named Miguel. The campaign had a number of running gags. For example, we found ourselves fairly often at the dwarven mountain citadel, and it was _always_ sunrise, with the light gleaming poetically off of the enormous gates. But the most famous of these involved Miguel's untimely and ignominous death some few months before I arrived. It seems that the party had stepped through a gate into total blackness. The floor was rough stone, and there was a bit of a draft. A large natural cavern of some sort. The necromancer was the first to act; given that he was human and couldn't see in the dark, he grabbed a torch from his backpack.
The cave, needless to say, was full of giant bats who panicked at the sudden flare and swarmed him. To this day, "Light the torch, Miguel!" is our call at the game table whenever the party needs light.

"I don't know what it is about torches, but they always produce funny deaths."


Think Fast! AD&D Style.

Thanks to: Duon

We had this one player that wasn't great at thinking on his toes.
The DM was bored one day so he decided we could play an uber campaign. He gaves us the choice of lots of cool stuff. Anyways, what happened was that there was a big war going on and we were all soldiers in the army. Our first duty was was to fight this horible creature in a castle. We go there and fight some uber monster. We tangle with it and then it goes away. Then we are facing an evil lich holding a sceptre. He handed it to Mr. Slow thinker who said "I take it". The whole group was laughing for like 30 minutes after the DM asked him to roll his saves vs the cursed septure.

A side note: The DM pulled that trick on him before but not in such a humorous situation :)

"Remember this. Don't take anything offered by strangers...except money."


One way to Solve a Drinking Problem.

Thanks to: LingLing

I was playing a game DM'd by my brother-in-law (I'll call him Lurch) and in addition to me, there were three other players. A different brother-in-law (I'll call him and his character Hardon since he had named his character the same as his real life name. Go figure.) was playing a human barbarian type fighter who's main schtick was that he got outrageously drunk and picked fights. After campaigning for a while, the rest of us got really tired of Hardon's constant drunken trouble making. Well, after too many sodas, Hardon (the real person) went to use the bathroom and the rest of us plotted what we were going to do to him. One player (playing an assassin character) wanted to simply poison him or something else devious. This gave me a much better idea. We laid out our plan to the DM (Lurch), and after laughing really hard for a couple minutes he agreed to go along with it. Here's how it played out: Hardon carried a cask of beer everywhere we went on a wagon we had "liberated" from a group of uncooperative villagers. It was Hardon's habit to drink himself into a stupor every night and then pass out. This particular night, LingLing the Dwarf pried the tap out of the bunghole (Look it up - that's really what it's called.) of the cask and took a big dump into the beer. The next day, Hardon started drinking off his keg again. Lurch made some rolls to see if Hardon detected the foreign substance in his beer, with a minus after each couple of swallows (hey, he was getting drunk!). Hardon eventually tasted something chunky, broke open the cask and figured it out, and started going insane with rage! I'm sure he would have done the rest of us some damage because we were laughing too hard (in real life, but I'm sure Lurch would have made sure our characters were disabled by laughing too) to defend ourselves. Luckily, Lurch decided that Hardon had to make a save vs poison or collapse in nausea. Hardon failed his roll. He mellowed out after! that and never touched beer again.

"That's gross, but it works."


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